tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37169624068745034962024-03-13T14:27:27.125-06:00TONYATonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-64160758712578373062012-11-03T17:32:00.002-06:002012-11-03T17:47:10.797-06:00JakeOur golden retriever passed away this month. It was much harder than I imagined to say Good-bye and go through the grief. Although I have had pet's before my parents always gave them away early in their lives so I never lived with a pet as long as I did Jake.<br />
<br />
I remember when we were contemplating getting a dog. It took about a year of talking to Matthew and trying to convince him that a dog was a good idea. His arguments were they shed, they eat toys and the kids will never be able to have their toys on the floor. They bite, they bark. I really wanted a dog for our family and for my little boy Braiden who also really wanted a dog.<br />
<br />
When we got Jake he was the perfect dog. He only barked when someone was at the door. He did nothing that Matthew feared. He was a calm pleasant friendly dog. He was a wonderful family dog. With his passing though I was reminded of how short life is. How I want to treasure every moment. How even the mundane and normal moments I have I shouldn't take for granted.<br />
<br />
I was out with my kids and they were chatting about school projects and tests and just their lives. I thought how lucky I was to have these moments with them. I felt this way after Matthew's stroke to. I remember how precious every moment felt after that experience. I want to let go of the hurt and pain and just feel blessed to be present in this moment. Letting go of the past and moving forward treasuring the life that I have. That I am able to be with my family.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for Jake and the wonderful dog that he was for our family. I miss him. I am sad that he died and had to leave our family. I am grateful for the reminder of life being precious.Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-63202868447249484552012-11-03T17:31:00.003-06:002012-11-03T17:31:58.624-06:00I Need ToI have had to cause and reflect on some negative behaviours from my past.<br />
Things I did that I regret.. <br />
At first I felt very defensive.<br />
After I realized I am not perfect.<br />
I need to love myself.<br />
I need to love those people who I have hurt.<br />
I need to try not to hurt while recognizing I am human.<br />
I will stop worrying or living in the past.Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-69285868370606014932012-10-23T14:49:00.000-06:002012-10-23T14:49:02.583-06:00Freeing myself from my pastRecently I have cause to reflect on myself at my worst.<br />
It has caused me to wonder how much of my negative history (abuse I endured from those I love)<br />
has effected me.<br />
As a foster parent I raised children who like me had negative history's and I empathized with their pain. <br />
I also got to experience their character's some which were deeply effected by their negative experience.<br />
I saw negative behaviours from them that I believe were a direct result of their experience. Things like anxiety, anger, depression, low self confidence etc.<br />
So as I looked at myself on my worst days where I too was angry said things that shouldn't have been said and hurt those that are closest to me. I of course was sad and depressed. I had behaved this way wondered to myself how much truth their was to me also carrying on some ugly traits from my past.<br />
<br />
Being aware of my past and the potential to become someone who is impatient and loses their temper and cuts to the quick with their words. I have been working on this my whole life. I can remember being very little and feeling the pain my mother behaving at her worst and promising myself I would never become my worst self. So it has been a little frightening to come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect in this way. I can have less of these instances in my life. I needed to be okay that we all have our worst self days and accept that I can't expect perfection in this area. The fact that I have had worst self days where I did behave impatient and used my words in a fashion that I am not proud of and hurt those I love. In no way means that I have become my mother. It simply means I had a worst self day.<br />
<br />
I have seen a few counsellors of late regarding issue's that I have from
my past that are affecting me today. I have got to say I find it so
useless, like I feel like put myself out there my real self and I don't
really feel heard and I walk away feeling more hurt than healed. It is
weird because as many of you know Matt is a counsellor so you would
think I would be a great supporter but I just feel like it got me no
where. I don't feel like anything was resolved. I shared this
hurt and pain and they just listen without even really listening or
understanding what I am saying. Plus now I need to go home and have all
of these awful memories right at the surface.<br />
<br />
I have been reading a borderline personality book that Matthew wanted to read. So I read to him on our drives to work it has been interesting to see how much there is some of Matthew in borderline as well as myself. Interesting to see we are all kind of similar all of us the insane and the sane. We all hve pieces of mental illness in our behaviour. Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-41058106567301331562012-10-23T14:37:00.001-06:002012-10-23T14:37:15.872-06:00So Happy to be at Home Things have changed recently for me. I am working less and home more. I feel so happy about that. I am able to be home and really be a mom. Which has always been my real goal in life.I I am grateful for my job. I love it and I am grateful that life forced me to get a job and help my family. I like working, I like feeling like I am helping those I work with and making a bit of a difference while helping my family too. I am a true stay at home mom though and I love being able to be at home. I am able to make more healthy meals for my family. . I like being around to form strong relationships with my kids. There was a noticed change in my relationship with Sierra since I stopped working all of the time.I must be a little crazy because I am even grateful to be cleaning up after my kids and husband. Times before when I would have complained that they could/should do it themselves I just feel gratitude.<br />
<br />
I recently watched Charlie st.cloud with Sierra. It is a Zac Efrom movie so for my budding teeny bopper a must see. She was so excited asking me if it was in at the library yet. We watched the movie and I enjoyed it but it left us to have big discussions about life and death. Sierra asked "why do we have to die mom" I didn't really have an answer for her. She asked "why I and her Dad would likely die first" She was crying and she wouldn't let me hold her and that was hard. Not being able to hold her. It was hard not having any really answers for her too. In my Mormon days I would have had all the answers it was hard and felt a little lame to say I just don't know. I did tell her what I believed, I shared with her how I believed I had felt my mom at periods of time in my life. Not just my Mormon days. Still sometimes you can't give all the answers and I am learning to be okay with that. I got her a bunch of books from the library on near death experiences.She said something I found quite cute and hilarious "Why can't big foot just take us all to the jungle already"<br />
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Last night I was watching the TV Show "Friends". I adore that TV show and I have passed on my love for it to Mackenzie and it was an episode that we just laughed our hearts out too. Mackenzie said "I love this show"and I said "I love it too and I loved it first" and she disagreed with me and said that she loved it first.<br />
So I countered with "I loved it before you were even born" She said "I was there when you were watching waiting to be born and watching with you. We both laughed so loud and hard. It was wonderful.<br />
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<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-2113501218311929762012-10-12T12:36:00.002-06:002012-10-12T14:09:34.694-06:00So happy with my Matthew<span style="color: blue;">Things I want to say</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: magenta;">To my husband Matthew...</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you work so hard on being a good father and provider to our family.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you take the time to be with the our kids and really know them and what is going on in their lives.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you have developed yourself as a counsellor and that you are fulfilling that dream. </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you went back to school and worked hard at developing your talents.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love your ambition.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that for the you believe in my best self.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you love me. </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I am blessed that you have a sense of humour. It has helped me not take life to seriously. </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you have made your health a priority in our lives that you eat healthy foods and exercise. I value the times that we exercise together.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you are present and active in our families life. </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you write about your love for me in your blog & facebook and tell your co-workers about me.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you are such a great supporter of me.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I want to say Thank You for that for supporting me and loving me</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you are such a smart attractive dresser You have an eye for style and colour.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love that you are a great writer. </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I love your optimism in life and I am grateful for it so grateful.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I want to shout from the roof tops (but my blog will have to do) that I deeply love you.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">I am so grateful to have you as a partner and husband and friend.</span><br />
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<br />
<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-54876808568171338722012-10-12T11:52:00.000-06:002012-10-12T14:09:59.621-06:00Guess what I am back!!<span style="color: orange;">Hello...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Wow it has been forever since I wrote in my lovely blog.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I actually truthfully don't feel my blog is lovely.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I have a love hate relationship with it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I struggle to write.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"> It is a area in my life that I feel is this huge mountain to climb.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">So I am taking away the negative thoughts of the mountain.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Not enough time, I am not a good writer, I always feel criticized, who will want to read it anyway?</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I am just going to write a little whenever I can and ignore these negative thoughts.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Just a little at a time so I don't get overwhelmed.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">It is all about Balance and Practice.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">I can't get better if I don't try,</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">It is likely you will at times see grammar errors and maybe things don't flow perfectly.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Since I am trying to let go of the ideal and just be real.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">Thanks for your patience with me</span>.<br />
<br />Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-92195170954750152802011-10-10T11:21:00.000-06:002011-10-10T11:21:03.507-06:00WHY YES, I DO GIVE INTERVIEWS...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:ApplyBreakingRules/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:UseFELayout/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">A lovely neighbor down the street who's children play with ours is taking a College course and she asked me to give an 'interview' about my experiences of being a parent. This was the result.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">*********************************************************************</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">WHAT STAGE OF LIFE WERE YOU AT WHEN YOU BECAME A PARENT?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">When I was 18 years old my then fiancee ‘rescued me’ from an abusive home life and we had moved from </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Mississauga</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"> to </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Ottawa</span><span style="font-family: Arial;">. We were very much in love, quite young and quite alone. We were also quite religious so we felt we had to get married to make our living situation right in the eyes of God so as to avoid Hell and brimstone (seriously). So we eloped. No one knew. No friends, no family. We did eventually tell them (long story), and then 15 months later our first child was born, when I was 19. I had not completed high school (just 1 more course remained, which I finished about a year and a half later).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">WHAT FACTORS WERE INVOLVED IN DECIDING TO HAVE CHILDREN?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We were raised LDS / Mormon. The teachings back then 20 years ago were that birth control was evil and equal to murder. I had always wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl so having children just came naturally to me. I am so happy to be mother and a parent, I love my children and I love being a mom.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">POSITIVE ELEMENTS TO BEING A PARENT?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I was able to stop the cycle of abuse that my mother received from her mother and violently passed onto me. I get to love and be loved in return. I loved the baby stage, connecting to my beautiful, wonderful little babies. Today I get to see my children as they go through the various stages of growing up (schooling, friends, jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends). My baby boy turned 18 last month and I shuddered to think that I was engaged at that young age. I am happy that he isn’t in such a rush like I was to escape. It’s a good feeling to think that at least some of the time I’ve been a helpful and positive influence in his, and all of my children’s lives.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">WHAT HAVE BEEN THE CHALLENGES TO BEING A PARENT?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Finances have been hard for us since we were married so young, and also with the Mormon teaching of the woman staying home to raise their children. This has left me with little education and meant we didn’t ever really have a lot of money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also having a lot of young children and a husband at work was a sometimes thankless and lonely position for me to be in. Also watching your children make decisions and choices that you know may hurt them is hard to experience; thankfully for the most part they are much wiser than I was at their age. Yay!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">BEFORE BECOMING A PARENT, WHAT IMPACT DID YOU THINK HAVING CHILDREN WOULD HAVE ON YOUR LIFE?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My mindset before having children was that being a mother would ‘complete me’, that it would make me happy and that it would be the attainment of my life’s dream. For the most part, that’s exactly what happened. Being a parent has not been a negative thing for me; it’s all been positive. I love being a mother and I love all of my amazing children.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">WHAT WERE THE UNEXPECTED IMPACTS (POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE) OF HAVING CHILDREN ON YOUR LIFE?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Unexpected. Hmmm. I would have to say that the level of worry was unexpected. I didn’t think that I’d spend so much time and feel so deeply the ‘parental worry’ about my children’s wellbeing, health, safety or happiness. Sometimes it’s all consuming. It’s love. It’s caring. It’s wanting their happiness. It’s wanting their safety. It’s wanting them to make good and safe and healthy choices. It’s born out of love, just as they were.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: Arial;">WHAT ASPECT OF PARENTING IS IMPACTING YOU AT THIS TIME?</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">At this time my children are 18, 16, 13, and 10. So the ‘teen years’ are in full force. Relationship challenges among my teens with their peers or boyfriends or girlfriends. Schooling considerations for College or University. Helping them to think clearly about life choices that will impact them for years to come. Wanting them to be more successful than I was. Thankfully my children have not fired me from being their parent and we are fairly close and they share and connect to me so I do have influence, or at least they pretend I do. It’s also a bit sad for me when I think that my eldest children could be leaving the home in the next few years, but I know they’re not leaving me: I’ll always be their mother.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-66030328451921521732011-05-05T16:07:00.004-06:002011-05-09T08:43:09.509-06:00Thank You<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Matthew has started a new job which takes him away from home from 6:30am to 6:00pm. It has been tough for me and the kids to have him gone so much.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Balancing his time and fitting in things like exercise or reading as a family as been quite difficult.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have noticed Matt is less on facebook and doing less blogging than previously and I am grateful to see him put his family first.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He has also really made me feel like I am the only person in his life that matters to him (other than the kids of course). This is something that is very hard for a person with ADHD as there is always so many things to get distracted by. I have noticed him trying to focus on us as a couple and I wanted to say Thank you. He really has made me feel like a priority. He compliments me regularly, is quick to apologize when he makes a mistake and gives me his time freely without hesitation. He text's me sweet uplifting text's throughout the day. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Matthew is a good husband who helps with the housework where and when he can (usually dishes that he hates doing). He helps with the kids homework and genuinely wants to spend time with them. He is kind and giving and takes the role of Father seriously. I know of other Fathers who have to work at spending time with their kids. It takes effort and doesn't come naturally to them. Matthew was born to be a Father, he really loves his kids and has a strong relationship with them and this comes very naturally to him. He values his children and loves them. I love this about him. Thank You Matthew for being a great Father!!</span>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-78499196163179033262011-05-05T15:54:00.003-06:002011-05-09T08:29:00.932-06:00Rain<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other day it was raining and I was chatting with a woman who like me was originally from Ontario. We both agreed how much we appreciated the rain and how much we missed the rain in Ontario. Other people joined in the conversation and didn't agree - they did not like the rain or appreciate it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love it when it rains. This probably started with my parents taking me out when I was little to jump in the puddles and throw rocks down the sewers. I loved those walks and today have taken my children on walk's in the rain. I know Sadie loves the rain, I smile with pride whenever it starts raining and my children get excited. They often will quickly run outside at the first hints of rain to feel it coming down and to jump in the puddles.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other day Mackenzie told me her most favorite thing about nature was rain. My mother would be proud to know her grandchildren love the rain. Thanks Mom for teaching me to love the rain. Thanks for taking me to jump in the puddles. I <em>still </em>secretly love to jump in them. The other day on my run with Matthew I purposely jumped in a few just because I could. I guess it is for me like stopping to smell the roses, only a little more fun (and wet).</span>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-78570453207069085462011-05-05T14:33:00.004-06:002011-05-09T08:42:44.623-06:00To Amazing Anonymous<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Someone posted some questions on my blog about my recent <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_KPBUa862w">Outspoken Ex-Mormon Bisexual speech</a>. I thought I would make Anonymous into an Amazing super star like Wonder Woman or Superman because it is my blog and I decide Muh-Ha-Ha. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><em>When did you first realize you were bisexual</em>?</strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The word 'realize' is really quite key for this question because as I was feeling bisexual feelings as teen I would suppress them right away and not acknowledge them at all becasue my religion and upbringing taught me they were evil and bad and I was a pervert for having them. So looking back I can see that I statrted having these feelings as a teen however I din't realize or recognize them as such until I started my journey of leaving the Mormon religion. It was only then that I could safely look back and recognize that I had these feelings. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><em>How did you you deal with these feelings as a Mormon?</em></strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well initially as I mentioned in the previous question, I suppressed them. As I left the religion I still was under the mindset of Mormonism and felt that these feelings were evil and bad (and therefore, I was evil and bad). Since I still believed in a homophobic hateful God during my journey of of Mormonism, at the time I felt like I was disappointing Him or that He would not be happy with me. This really made me quite depressed and sad. I began to change my thinking though, through prayer I really understood that these thoughts of being evil and bad were man made and from my programming. I eventually was able to de-program myself and realize that what was 'evil and bad' was the homophobic programming I had received at the hands of my religion and society. Once I realized my thoughts were wrong and the story I was telling myself was wrong, I was then able to stop the thoughts and change them. Through prayer, I knew that God loved me just as I was. This brought me a tremendous amount of strength knowing God loved me just as I was unconditionally. This process did take a long time though since I had been raised Mormon and had to undue a lifetime of programming.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em><strong>What was the process as you and Matthew worked out the details in your relationship</strong></em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was a huge process and almost caused Matthew to leave me. I couldn't convince him I was not a lesbian. He believed me to be a Lesbian and the evidence at the time did seem to point in that direction. He had to change the way he thought about the situation. Over time as we came to understand my new reality, he came to see my sexuality as something beautiful. There was a lot talking and being authentic, from both of us, in this process. Communication was key, but eventually he had to change how he thought about it and appreciate what we had together. He still will tell people I am a "high bi", and though I am unsure how true that is I definitely could fit that description at times. Other times I don't feel attracted to woman at all as it is a continuum and ebbs and flows for me. Sometimes I feel high-bi (maybe 60%-80% into women) and other times not really much at all. Working out the details of our relationship is and continues to be a process. Communication and being authentic about our needs individually and as a couple, is definitely key. </span><br />
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<h1 id="watch-headline-title"><span class="long-title" dir="ltr" id="eow-title" title="Tonya Miller Ex-Mormon LDS Christian Bisexual (OUTspoken March 10 2011)"><br />
</span></h1>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-68135763621025638942011-03-13T14:25:00.004-06:002011-03-21T11:51:14.003-06:00MY LGBTQ CHRISTIAN PANEL DISCUSSION<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Friday March 10, 2011 I was invited to speak on a LGBTQ Christian Panel discussing the intersection of our faith and sexuality and a bit of our journey. This was on what would have been my mother's 74th birthday. She would have been so proud (not). It was though, fantastic for me to be able to share my experience, my feelings and a part of my journey.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">THE VIDEO IS HERE:</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/k_KPBUa862w" title="YouTube video player" width="640"></iframe></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>MY 'SPEECH' is below</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I deviated a bit from my prepared words, but just a bit.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Hello,</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">My name is Tonya Miller.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am going to share a bit of my journey as I discovered my bisexuality while I was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as the LDS or Mormon Church.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>A BIT ABOUT ME</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I have 4 wonderful children (ages 17, 15, 12 and 10)</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I have 1 wonderful husband</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I am a foster parent and have had almost 90 foster children in the past 7 years</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I attend Lethbridge College full time.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I am taking a sociology and psychology diploma and will eventually be getting my Master of Social work in Clinical Counselling</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I am very family oriented and I love children</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I believe in God</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I used to be a very faithful member of the LDS Mormon church</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Today I am no longer a member of that religion</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Today I identify as bisexual and Christian</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>SOME BACKGROUND ON LDS MORMON BELIEFS</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Like many Christian religions, the Mormon Church is quite homophobic. They use the Bible as their authority for God's disdain for gays and reinforce homophobia among their members by having their Prophets and leaders actively campaign against the rights of the LGBTQ community.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">As a Mormon you believe that what the LDS Church teaches you is direct from God. You believe that God speaks to the world through His Prophet in Salt Lake City just as I am talking to you now face to face. </span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Like many homophobic religions, the Mormon Church goes to great pains to explain that they are not actually homophobic per se, and that they are merely sharing God's Will...while their members suffer from God's Will by having extremely high rates of suicide and depression, especially gay LDS members.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>RECENT TEACHINGS TO MILLIONS OF FAITHFUL MORMONS</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I’d like to share two sentences of a speech where God’s word was given through a LDS Prophet to the world. This exemplifies LDS teachings on homosexuality.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In this talk this Prophet said:</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Some suppose that gay people cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and the unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?”</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He declared being gay is a choice, that these are only tendencies and that they can be overcome and that God does not make gay people. He further said gay people’s desires are “impure and unnatural”, this is Mormon code for Evil and Sinful.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sadly, this talk did not occur 50 years ago prior to scientific enlightenment showing that being gay is NOT a choice but is very much a natural human condition, just as heterosexuality is a natural human condition. This talk occurred just 5 months ago in October 2010.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In the LDS Church sexual sin (meaning: sex outside of marriage, petting or even masturbation) is taught to be a sin so evil that it is considered just below murder in seriousness. They also teach that gay sexual sin is worse than heterosexual sex. This teaching dehumanizes and demonizes gay people.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today the LDS Church says that gay people are entitled to whatever rights the law of the land gives them. And then the LDS Church gets to work to ensure that the laws of the land do not give them any rights. They also teach that gay people are welcome in their religion so long as they never, ever, during their entire lives, act on being gay. No hugs, no hand holding, no kissing, no sex, no marriage, no family. Just be single and celibate and we will welcome you with open arms and a closed mind.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>A BIT MORE OF MY HISTORY </b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I was born in London Ontario to a LDS Family</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I grew up knowing that God spoke to the world, and directly to me, through his prophets in Salt Lake City</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- As a teenager I would about 1 or 2 times a year feel rather intense desires towards women.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I would instantly be repulsed at myself and shut down.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I’d tell myself that Satan was tempting me, that I was an evil freak and that I was a bad person. </span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I would suppress these thoughts and feelings with great effort and with great success for most of my life.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I got married at the young age of 18 and started to have my wonderful babies</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I did what was encouraged of LDS mothers, to stay home and raise the children (which I loved to do, I always wanted to be a stay at home mother)</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I had my children, my husband, my religion, my LDS friends, I had God on my side and I knew that I belonged to the only true church on earth.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Life was good…though I had always had a constant low-level depression and never truly felt good enough; no matter how many rules I obeyed, no matter how many hoops I jumped through or how faithfully I devoted my life to the LDS religion.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>MY JOURNEY OUT OF THE LDS CHURCH</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- In 2007 my husband began to see that the LDS Church was not telling the truth to its membership and he eventually left the church. </span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- This caused a huge rift in our relationship as I was still a believer.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Over time I too began to see that there were issues with the LDS Church and I began to distance myself a bit from the church.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- This was hard though because it was all I knew for all my life.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- The LDS Church was my social life, my family life and even my future Eternal Life depended on LDS teachings. It was my entire existence.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- After a bit of time and distance (I was still active in the LDS church), my suppressed bisexual thoughts and desires bubbled up with greater intensity and frequency and despite my best efforts to suppress my real self I couldn’t bury them anymore and I realized that I was a bisexual woman</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I came out to my husband, and this was also a rocky time for us as he didn’t know what to do with my revelation and the ‘new me’.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- After a lot of talking and learning and growth we came through stronger than ever as a couple.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I also came out to my 4 children, one by one. I sat each of them down and explained to them that I was bisexual, what that meant and that it was not changing anything in my marriage or in their lives</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I wanted my children to know the real me and who I really was as a whole and complete person. </span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- My children all hugged me and told me they loved me. It was very powerful and emotional for me.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- After coming out though, I spent months on a roller coaster of being depressed and despondent and condemning myself to Hell for I still had one foot in the LDS church, culture and belief system.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I was still sure that I was a freak, that I was evil and that if I died God would send me to Hell.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Thankfully this self hatred and self condemnation went away, when I left the LDS church. </span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- After consulting with LDS leaders about the inconsistencies in LDS teachings and doctrine and after experiencing the abusive way they treat people who question LDS beliefs, and after I saw the dehumanizing way they treated the gay community with Proposition 8 and then blatantly lied about it, that was my last straw and I left them for I knew that the God of Love could not be behind so much elitist hatred and dehumanizing.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I left the church in 2008.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Within weeks of leaving I found my lifetime of depression mostly disappeared.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Unfortunately so too did my entire social life, my friends and even some of my close family.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- We visited several other religions but found they too had homophobic beliefs.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Eventually we found the United Church and found they were pro-gay, did not use guilt as a control tactic and that people were free to come and go without fearing the wrath of God. Most importantly we found it was a place of love and acceptance without any reservations or hoops to jump through.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Today I don’t attend church regularly at all. I still pray. I still believe in God, but not the same vengeful God who hated me for simply being who I was</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- Today I know that I am simply who I am and I accept and love me for who I am.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">- I am Tonya, a daughter, a mother, a wife, a student, a foster parent, an ex-Mormon, a humanist, a social worker, an advocate, I am a human being worthy of love and acceptance who happens to be bisexual.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Thank you.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
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</div>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-12958102068315823752010-12-21T19:20:00.000-07:002010-12-21T19:20:22.255-07:00Dinner And A 'Blast' From The PastThe other day Matt and I had a young couple and their four children for dinner (they were delicious! - ok, just kidding, we didn't eat them). It was fun to be able to be social and have people over for dinner, which is something I really don't do enough of. I think I will make that my New Year's resolution: to have more people over for dinner. So if you are reading my blog think of yourself as invited for dinner. REALLY! (PS - I'll save you an apron and you can help me cook -- see what a great friend I am? Yep, I'm good like that).<br />
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They were super fun and their kids were tres cute too.<br />
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It was interesting to me watching and listening to this couple as they are in the same boat as Matt and I were 2.5 years ago in that the husband had left the church and the wife was trying to hang on to her LDS beliefs. The husband reminded me of Matthew back in his black & white critical thinking phase. The wife, like me, is more of a spiritual/emotional type of person. Both are very good kindhearted people and I hope we can be friends with them for a long time.<br />
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As I told them my story of how I had left the church it was interesting to see the similarities between Matt and I and them. The husband, like Matt, had sort of suffocated the wife with anti-LDS information, it's all he can talk about. The difference was that Matt eventually (with the help of some online friends and their good advice - THANK YOU ONLINE FRIENDS OF MATT!) stopped suffocating me with the info., and I stopped wanting to suffocate him (with my bare hands, lol). Then I started learning and researching things for myself (I know most of you have read <a href="http://mrbright-side.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-lds-exit-story.html">our story on Matt's blog </a>so I won't go into detail here). If you haven't <a href="http://mrbright-side.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-lds-exit-story.html">you may want to read Matt's blog</a>. This husband was still despartely trying to influence his wife to the truth about the church (that it is a hoax, and a lie ). <br />
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I thought how lucky Matt and I were that we had been able to move forward in a positive way (eventually) and I see clear signs that this wonderful and committed couple will be able to do the same (YAY!). It felt like quite a long time when we were in the mist of our 'experience' (Matt trying to 'show me the obvious truth' before we were able to move forward, for a few <u>months -</u><i> which felt like years</i>). As I looked at this couple who started the experience of leaving the church close to the same time as we did I quickly became grateful we were not still sort of stuck in that state of anger and frustration and 'negotiation'. We would not have lasted as long as this couple has with these types of 'discussions'. We were on our way to separation or divorce at the time when we went through it. It was the most difficult time in our marriage. So I gave (and give) this couple a lot of credit to be able to weather this experience for so long and still stay together, they are both great people with a great capacity for patience and love. <br />
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I can remember when Matt and I were in counseling for our marriage for the LDS stuff and the bisexual stuff. I remember the counselor saying to Matt how me not making a decision of whether to leave the church or not <i>was</i> a decision. He of course said this to Matt alone and not me, he slightly favored Matt in my opinion *said in a still angry and slightly sarcastic tone*. I saw the wife of this couple very much like me, not feeling strongly that she wanted to leave the church and thinking it wasn't so bad and I saw her like me back in the day, wanting to stay for all of the good that she sees and that she feels is there. I remember Matthew saying "But their teachings depress and KILL people" and that didn't really affect me, it was foreign to me, I didn't see it, couldn't see it, not fully. Not until I realized I was one of the gays, lesbians and bisexuals in the 'queer community' they were actively oppressing and persecuting... THEN it mattered to me. As in all things, it's not until we understand that we can care. <br />
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You could feel the tension between their two viewpoints and it made me in part admire that they have been able to withstand the rift between them for so long with such a young family. Personally I think it would be much harder a experience to go through with a younger family than what we had at the time, because it's just a harder and more stressful time in general.<br />
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Anyway, dinner was super, they are super and it was an interesting experience and felt like a blast from the past for me (not a 'fun blast' more like remembering dynamite being blown up at my feet actually, lol). I was particularly grateful to be in a great marriage today (compared to the low-point of where we were 2.5 years ago). And I am hopeful that his super couple will also come through the 'blast' and rebuild and continue to love in patience and support for one another.<br />
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Looking back now it makes me angry to think of how harmful the church is and how the church through its lies built a rift between Matt and I. I am so glad that is over and that we got through it. I am happy to be out of the LDS Church and so glad that I am out to the world (and to myself) as bisexual too. It's freeing and liberating to be, well, to be your real, true, authentic self and I am so glad that Matt supports me in being, well, ME! :)Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-67844571837241866152010-12-19T00:06:00.000-07:002010-12-19T00:06:01.642-07:00Poor Little BlogSo I have really neglected my poor little blog. Matthew (my husband - not my boyfriend (or girlfriend), just to be clear as to whom I am referring) is tisk-tisking me with his finger and I feel verrrrrry badly. So sorry my blog and those few followers that I have.<br />
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I just finished my first semester of full time College and boy does it feel great! I feel like I am learning so much. So many things that I would have never learned or accepted if I was still under the Mormon conservative mind set, they would have just bounce off of my "well, yes, but I KNOW 'better'" forcefield. It has been quite interesting to me, the contrast from this old mindset and my new open, liberal, thinking, loving and embracing mindset.<br />
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I live in Alberta Canada (the Bible belt of Canada) and took a couple of courses from a teacher who was a teenager in the 60's and had a very liberal anti-war mindset, not of the religious or conservative mindset (and he still isn't) This was a contrast to some of the students who are Mormon or who had an otherwise religiously conservative mindset. It was interesting to see them defend there patriarchal and homophobic ideals -- like how the man should be the head of the household or why gay marriage is negatively affecting families today.<br />
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I just love learning and attending school has given me insight into myself, to really see where I was before I left the church (the conservative religious God only loves you if you follow these man-made made-up roles and rules) to where I am today (it's all about love, being kind and not judging). I just breathed a sigh of relief for myself and gave myself a mental, emotional and spiritual hug (yay me!).<br />
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In these 'debates' in class I also got a taste of what Matthew my hubby feels when he gets so emotional in discussing with our Mormon friends that their mindset is harmful. As I sat in the classes and disagreed with my fellow students' religious right-wing mindsets I found myself feeling quite heated and upset at the biogtry and harm that there beliefs were causing (both to themselves (the self-harm that willful blind non-thinking stupidity causes) and to those marginalized and vulnerable whom they were bullying and victimizing).<br />
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I am proud of myself and my school experiences. I did well on my grades (78 - 90% final marks) and I think I did a not too bad job of balancing family life and school. Matthew would disagree with me because he hears me with my stress and feels and sees my anxiety rearing its ugly head. However he really doesn't know the half of it. I tried to calm myself down quite a bit. I tried not to share my anxiety with him all of the time. I tried to remember what was really important and give him (Matt) time and the kids time. Though my 12 year old Mackenzie did say a couple of times I was "not allowed to talk about school anymore". So that does suggest there is some room for improvement in toning down the school focus. Bottom line is I love school and I am glad for the break I have now (a few weeks of no school) but I am excited to go back. I am also so grateful for the support Matthew gave me in doing the dishes, laundry, driving kids, helping with meals, folding towels and editing some of my assignments and helping me study. Matthew is a great at editing and writing (really great). In fact, I think I'll let him take me to Vegas so I can show him my gratitude...Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-11463467314385558132010-09-06T20:36:00.161-06:002010-09-08T16:44:10.921-06:00My Thoughts on Child WelfareRecently I attended a birthday party of an "old" foster daughter. I hadn't seen this child in what felt like quite a while so it was especially nice to be invited and remembered. It was great to see her with her adoptive family. I'll call her Autumn to allow me to write without having to refer to her as her/she continuously, and still maintain her privacy.<br />
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Autumn was so happy at her new home, I could feel the sense of ownership and attachment when she called her adoptive mother Mommy and father Daddy. I got a huge sense of joy from witnessing this happiness in her. This is really what my job of foster parent is to me. A temporary home for children who are on their journey through life toward their home with their family, either adoptive or biological.<br />
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Autumn also had a sense of sadness, when her present from her biological parents was brought out. Biological siblings were invited to the party but the biological parents were unable to attend. It was sad for me to see her play with her barbie from her bio parents. There was a dreamy far off look in her eyes, a sense of wondering. Where are my bio parents? Why didn't they attend? Where do they fit in my life now? I know that there is an empty place in her heart when it comes to her biological parents. It is confusing to Autumn and I know Autumn believes there is something wrong with her and that is why her parents are not in her life. I felt sad for Autumn realizing what she was feeling, knowing from experience when she lived with me. It was sad for me too having worked with her Biological parents. I truly felt the loss of their presence at the party. I cared for her parents (and still do), developed a friendship and hoped that they would overcome there addictions and work towards getting Autumn back. So I also felt pain and frustration with Autumn's sadness. <br />
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I recently finished a book on Child Welfare.(<b style="font-weight: normal;">Moving toward positive systems of child and family welfare : current issues and future direction</b><b style="font-weight: normal;">s)</b><b style="font-weight: normal;"></b><b> </b>Something I found quite interesting was how different the experience of Foster Care and Child Welfare is overseas in the Netherlands and Belgium. They first and foremost have a less adversarial feel to their Children's Services and Foster care. The parents are first refereed to an organization where they attend classes 2-3 times a week to help them improve there tool box of parenting skills and also see a psychiatrist to help deal with past issues (99.999% of addicts are dealing with the pain of past issues, just like you and I would want, in my estimation and viewpoint, they are to be loved and not shunned or judged).<br />
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Overseas it is viewed as more normal for parents to slip up every once in a while; and because of this view often the parents will sign up voluntarily to get help instead of being mandated or forced to get help. The parent therefore, because of how they are treated (with respect and without threat of losing their children) does not feel like a bad parent attending these classes because it is normal to have problems and society and the community view them as normal and 'ok' and 'just like everybody else'; there is no sense of 'other' or 'worse than' or 'better than'.<br />
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If this first organization which is trying to help deal with the addictions and or neglect or other issues does not help accomplish the goals with the parents then it moves forward to a Judge. The Judge then will try different approaches, other community supports, other healing and helping methods, to support the parents and give them the tools they need. Putting the children into foster care, removing the child from the home, even a home where there is what we see as 'abuse and neglect' is only used as a very last resort and in the most serious of cases when they have run out of options and alternatives. Removing the children from homes in these countries very rarely happens and also only when the physical, emotional or mental safety of the child is <i>severely</i> threatened. Even more rare is adoption of a foster child as foster care is almost always a temporary thing until the parents become more able to cope with life and to properly care for their children.<br />
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I thought of the many Bio parents I've worked with over the past seven years. It is safe to say that they all (with the exception of one) believe the social workers and the system are against them. They have never felt safe, viewed as equals or that they were treated with respect (at least not that they have shared with Matt and I). What kind of healthy working relationships can be created when dealing with the sense of fear, anger, and mistrust? If the parent goes into it with a feeling of shame and defeat that comes from having to work with (i.e. 'being <i>forced</i> to') social services, well, I just wonder if there isn't a better way to make people who come into the child welfare system feel more human. Other countries wondered, and acted, and have far more humane systems of dealing with 'social issues'.<br />
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I'd like bio parents to feel they are not alone that we <i><u><b>all</b></u></i> fall short of being a perfect parent at times. Is there not a more loving place for the system to come from than one of inducing the fear of losing your kids and the sense of complete 'power over' that the Goverment and social workers are seen and felt to have over their lives? Especially for when the root cause of their 'dysfunction' and 'challenges' is most often from abuse they have suffered. I would think that social work would work towards healing and helping the sufferer, not causing further hurt and harm by not addressing the real issues and not getting to root cause...and in my estimation, removing children often does far more harm than good (depending on the severity of the abuse, neglect and issues of course). In 80% of the fostering cases we have seen, the children and parents are simply in a 'time out' anyway, without any real counseling or therapy or 'help' for either the parents, nor the children, being offered - or accepted or embraced if it is offered (again, this to me speaks of shame, mistrust, anger and a lack of relationship between Government social work and the parents -- all things which some other countries have managed to successfully overcome and navigate for the most part).<br />
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What is really wrong with humanizing the pain these parents have gone through? Few of us are perfect parents. Few of us have lived a life completely free of baggage and challenges. Over the years I have known social workers with mental health challenges, addictions challenges, relationship challenges etc., and they are treated humanely (for the most part). Granted, usually these parents have more baggage to deal with than the average "Joe" but all the more reason to have compassion and to help heal where we can. We could be real with them and let them know we all have times where we loose it, get depressed, get addicted (TV, news, exercise, gossip, internet, drugs, alcohol), and that they are ok and just like everybody else.<br />
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I just wonder if there would be less of a need for kids to be removed in the first place if parents felt safe, non-ostracized, normal, human and didn't have the fear and threat of losing their children. Would less children be removed because the parents were willingly accepting the help offered, and if that help was real, deep and effective, would that not help alleviate the issues so that Children's Services were no longer needed in their lives? Why not strive to make it work? Why not follow the models of other countries wherein a 3rd party mediates between the State and the Parent and every conceivable resource that particular family needs...is given. Why not?<br />
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My hope is for a system where it is reasonable to expect and gain a relationship of trust with the parents who come into the Child Welfare System. I'd like a system that circles around the parents, bringing in the experts to help the family really delve into their challenges and give them the tools they need to face the problems that life brings (and that life has brought them thus far, for this is the root cause of their challenges). I would love to see supports in place to help the family through the problems they may be having like respite for overwhelmed parents or food and clothing vouchers for the poor and struggling, or addictions supports and counseling which is helpful and effective. Other things too like babysitting and daycare so they can go back to school and get out of their dead end jobs.<br />
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As happy as I was for the adoptive family and my foster children I wondered: is this really the best we can do for biological families? Have we as society decided that this is the best we can and should offer? I just feel so passionate about these families enmeshed in 'the system' and hope for a better way in helping children and their families, truly helping them. Not allowing the abuse to continue, but also not allowing the environment of mistrust and power over and non-help to continue either. True helping, it's being successfully done elsewhere, why not here?Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-35728291512548792902010-08-19T11:17:00.011-06:002010-08-19T14:49:51.936-06:00LETTING GO OF AN UGLY BIAS<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sometimes when I day dream I think bout what if? What if I had made different choices than I did? What if I had argued with my mother more to look both ways before crossing the street? Would she still be alive today? What if, on and on. Today is the "anniversary" of the day she died and so I am reflecting on her.</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I have been thinking about how the events that happen in our lives affect us. I have been reading Wally Lamb's book <i>Couldn't Keep it to Myself</i>, essays of students in his writing workshop at York Correctional Institution, a women's prison in Connecticut. It made me think about my bias towards prisoners. I used to feel that if you made it to prison you must belong there. My bias was also that prisoners<span style="color: black;"> </span>usually did not do 'time equal to their crime'. Then it seemed apparent to me that the American justice system is different than the Canadian justice system. In Wally lamb's book he spoke of a child who entered prison at the age of 15 and was not scheduled to be released until 2046, the year she turns 64. She has since her incarceration attempted suicide 3 times. It just seems so much more unforgiving and harsh<b> </b>than the Canadian system (at least to my current knowledge).</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wally Lamb's book <i>Couldn't Keep It To Myself</i><b>,</b> contained the women prisoner's life stories. It was interesting for me to see their life stories and learn about their experiences and events that formed and shaped them into the people they became.<b> </b>I don't believe a single woman prisoner in the book was not sexually abused as a child, every woman's story leading up to her incarceration contained sexual abuse. <b> </b>Most had also experienced domestic violence from their significant other.<b> </b>Most suffered from Post traumatic Stress Disorder while they were in prison<b> </b>which shows how traumatic there life experiences were before entering prison.<b> </b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I felt changed after reading the book, like it could have been me in that prison. One woman from the prison had been sexually abused and had experienced domestic violence and then<i> </i>her grandchild experienced sexual abuse from the same male who she experienced domestic violence from. She shot him dead<i> </i>when she found out about her grandchild's abuse. As I read this I wondered, if I had experienced the same life would I have done any differently? I could<b> </b>see myself having a nervous break down and wanting to shoot the abuser. Wally Lamb's book really taught me to recognize that prisoners are just people just like me. I need to love them and try to understand them.</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In my work as a foster parent I have always had sympathy for the addicted parents that I work with, and I always work with them with the end in mind of helping them to get their kids back. I knew the stories of<b> </b>their past were severe. I understood there was reasons as to why<b> </b>they were addicted. Many told horrendous stories of what they had to overcome in their childhoods and the impact this has had on their adult lives. None of us could live the challenges many of these parents faced<b> </b>and emerge unscathed. I must admit though for<b> </b>one of the parents of the children in my care, a mom who was in jail for a very serious crime, I felt justified in being a little holier than thou. I told myself that obviously she was a bad egg and so the usual sympathy I felt for the parents I work with went out the window. After reading Wally Lamb's book it opened my eyes to my own bias against prisoners<span style="color: black;">.<b> </b></span>I saw the correlation between incest, sexual abuse, violence perpetrated against females and those females going on to commit acts of crime.<b> </b>I also could see from the women prisoner's first hand accounts, the extent to which American<span style="color: blue;"> </span>prisons fail to rehabilitate them (men, women, and sometimes even children) as well as the racist and classist nature of the American justice system.</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My mother experienced sexual abuse from a family member when she was a child. She had a life similar to a few of the women I read about in Wally Lamb's book. She was quite damaged<b> </b>emotionally and it opened my eyes to who she could have become.<b> </b>I had always pitied my mother and said she was<b> </b>damaged<b> </b>but look<b> </b>at the horribly hard life she experienced<b>. </b>Which is true still, but she was able to keep her emotions and actions together enough to<b> </b>stay out of jail<b>. </b>My mother had her faults, she was a parent similar to some of those that I work with. Not many tools in her tool box for parenting skills. I do give her credit for staying out of jail. Maybe she should earn<b> </b>my pride a little more. This accomplishment, her staying out of jail, is not something I would have recognized if I hadn't read Wally Lamb's book.</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This book had a serious impact on my thoughts and feelings and showed me a bias I had towards prisoners. I didn't even recognize the bias as something negative. Maybe I can learn to show more love towards prisoners. At the end of the day the prisoners are people just like me<b> </b>and you. I identified with these women and wondered if I had lived their lives might I also be in prison? If so wouldn't I want to be treated like a human being while I was in prison and not inhumanly<b> </b>like the prisons do<b> </b>today?</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">To quote Wally Lamb speaking of the inhumane treatment of prisoners <span times="">"At York C.I. a woman is told when to rise, what to wear, when to shower, when to eat, when to use the phone, and when to go to bed," Lamb shrewdly observes. "Her mail can be read, censored, or confiscated. An institutional lockdown can abort her classes, her workday, or a planned visit with her children."</span><b> </b>She also can be put into segregation (23 hours a day of isolation), have degrading strip searches performed and or be denied meals just on the whim of a guard and without any real provocation or justification. She is powerless and all too often the victim of a continued cycle of abuse from without the prison walls (her life prior to her 'crime') to within the prison walls.</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">James Baldwin once put it "People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised<i> </i>when the bread they have cast on the waters comes back to them, poisoned." This quote makes me think there must be a better<b> </b>way towards rehabilitation for prisoners. I dream of a prison system where prisoners are treated humanely. I would love to see the prisons with work for the prisoners to do, where their talents and strengths are used. I think their self-esteem would be built and strengthened from the pursuit of a trade or profession. I am grateful to have read Wally's Lamb's book for what it taught me about myself and my relationship to the foster parents I work with and most especially to how I view my mother.</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><br />
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</b>Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3716962406874503496.post-50177314577446908632010-08-10T15:43:00.000-06:002010-08-10T15:43:45.354-06:00MOM! I HAVE A QUESTION!I have to share this with the world because it was one of those funny moments in my life. Well truthfully I did not recognize it at the time as being funny but now looking back I can see it for what it was: a<i> very</i> funny moment. It was a beautiful summer Saturday. Birds were chirping, neighbors were busy landscaping their lawns and playing with their children. One was cleaning her vehicle nearby. Sierra and I and Mackenzie were starting to get into the van when out of the blue at the the top of her lungs Sierra asked me "Mom when you have sex do you get pregnant <i>every time?!</i>" I was stunned and my fear of keeping up with the Jones' kicked in (more like hiding from the Jones') I thought I would hide my embarrassment by hopping into the van. Sierra was a little distraught that I continued to jump in the van without answering her and said even louder "MoM! MoM! I really need an answer to this question! When you have sex do you always get pregnant?!!" In my most instructional curt voice I said "Sierra get in the van". Sierra looking very bewildered at me because of my tone said "MoM?" "Just get in the van and I will explain it" I said. "Mom?" I explained to her that I would answer her question but that may have not been the best time for her to ask with all the neighbors to hear. She sheepishly looked at me and said sorry. Then I proceeded to explain that you did not get pregnant every time but you never really knew which time you would get pregnant. I explained to her about birth control. Not in depth just that there were different things that you could use to prevent a pregnancy. It was a very interesting conversation as you can imagine. I wonder what the neighbors thought...<br />
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Sierra has decided she does not want to go through the pain of labor. So she says she will adopt her children. She has been thinking a lot about this lately; even asking me when I think she should tell her children that they were adopted. Also how I think she could go about telling them. I told her I thought she should tell them right up front as soon as they are able to understand. I told her she could tell them they had two mommies. Sierra the mommy who raises them. Plus they have a tummy mommy (the mommy who carried them in their tummy). I told her I could get books from the library, kid books that she could read to her children to help her explain it. She asked me to get them for her 'now' so she could be prepared<u>.</u> So I am guessing that this was the real reason for our recent sex question for all the neighbors to hear. <br />
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I think though I am altogether too often having a keeping up with Jones' mode of thinking. Worried what people will think and not truly motivated by the real deal of life which is <span style="color: blue;">Love</span>. Lately I have been going through something with a child of mine. They make choices that in no way play into <i>my</i> version of happily ever after. Nothing too serious, just normal kid stuff. <i>Normal</i> being the operative word because My children were not going to be normal. They were to be so much more than normal. Really as I see it, in my heart I know I am lucky to have normal. If I look closely my children are not even normal, they are just who they are, with their own quirks and lovable qualities. At the end of the day I know because I do not have a 'normal' relationship with them I am privy to information a normal parent would not be. Even if it is information that disappoints me. So when I look at it really I am blessed to have normal children in an abnormally open and trusting relationship. Hopefully I can keep that relationship through their normal growing up years.Tonyahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13109559152263722433noreply@blogger.com1