WHY YES, I DO GIVE INTERVIEWS...

A lovely neighbor down the street who's children play with ours is taking a College course and she asked me to give an 'interview' about my experiences of being a parent. This was the result.

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WHAT STAGE OF LIFE WERE YOU AT WHEN YOU BECAME A PARENT?

When I was 18 years old my then fiancee ‘rescued me’ from an abusive home life and we had moved from Mississauga to Ottawa. We were very much in love, quite young and quite alone. We were also quite religious so we felt we had to get married to make our living situation right in the eyes of God so as to avoid Hell and brimstone (seriously). So we eloped. No one knew. No friends, no family. We did eventually tell them (long story), and then 15 months later our first child was born, when I was 19. I had not completed high school (just 1 more course remained, which I finished about a year and a half later).

WHAT FACTORS WERE INVOLVED IN DECIDING TO HAVE CHILDREN?

We were raised LDS / Mormon. The teachings back then 20 years ago were that birth control was evil and equal to murder. I had always wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl so having children just came naturally to me. I am so happy to be mother and a parent, I love my children and I love being a mom.

POSITIVE ELEMENTS TO BEING A PARENT?

I was able to stop the cycle of abuse that my mother received from her mother and violently passed onto me. I get to love and be loved in return. I loved the baby stage, connecting to my beautiful, wonderful little babies. Today I get to see my children as they go through the various stages of growing up (schooling, friends, jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends). My baby boy turned 18 last month and I shuddered to think that I was engaged at that young age. I am happy that he isn’t in such a rush like I was to escape. It’s a good feeling to think that at least some of the time I’ve been a helpful and positive influence in his, and all of my children’s lives.

WHAT HAVE BEEN THE CHALLENGES TO BEING A PARENT?

Finances have been hard for us since we were married so young, and also with the Mormon teaching of the woman staying home to raise their children. This has left me with little education and meant we didn’t ever really have a lot of money.  Also having a lot of young children and a husband at work was a sometimes thankless and lonely position for me to be in. Also watching your children make decisions and choices that you know may hurt them is hard to experience; thankfully for the most part they are much wiser than I was at their age. Yay!

BEFORE BECOMING A PARENT, WHAT IMPACT DID YOU THINK HAVING CHILDREN WOULD HAVE ON YOUR LIFE?

My mindset before having children was that being a mother would ‘complete me’, that it would make me happy and that it would be the attainment of my life’s dream. For the most part, that’s exactly what happened. Being a parent has not been a negative thing for me; it’s all been positive. I love being a mother and I love all of my amazing children.

WHAT WERE THE UNEXPECTED IMPACTS (POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE) OF HAVING CHILDREN ON YOUR LIFE?

Unexpected. Hmmm. I would have to say that the level of worry was unexpected. I didn’t think that I’d spend so much time and feel so deeply the ‘parental worry’ about my children’s wellbeing, health, safety or happiness. Sometimes it’s all consuming. It’s love. It’s caring. It’s wanting their happiness. It’s wanting their safety. It’s wanting them to make good and safe and healthy choices. It’s born out of love, just as they were.

WHAT ASPECT OF PARENTING IS IMPACTING YOU AT THIS TIME?

At this time my children are 18, 16, 13, and 10. So the ‘teen years’ are in full force. Relationship challenges among my teens with their peers or boyfriends or girlfriends. Schooling considerations for College or University. Helping them to think clearly about life choices that will impact them for years to come. Wanting them to be more successful than I was. Thankfully my children have not fired me from being their parent and we are fairly close and they share and connect to me so I do have influence, or at least they pretend I do. It’s also a bit sad for me when I think that my eldest children could be leaving the home in the next few years, but I know they’re not leaving me: I’ll always be their mother.

 

Thank You

Matthew has started a new job which takes him away from home from 6:30am to 6:00pm. It has been tough for me and the kids to have him gone so much.

Balancing his time and fitting in things like exercise or reading as a family as been quite difficult.

I have noticed Matt is less on facebook and doing less blogging than previously and I am grateful to see him put his family first.

He has also really made me feel like I am the only person in his life that matters to him (other than the kids of course). This is something that is very hard for a person with ADHD as there is always so many things to get distracted by. I have noticed him trying to focus on us as a couple and I wanted to say Thank you. He really has made me feel like a  priority. He compliments me regularly, is quick to apologize when he makes a mistake and gives me his time freely without hesitation. He text's me sweet uplifting text's throughout the day.

Matthew is a good husband who helps with the housework where and when he can (usually dishes that he hates doing). He helps with the kids homework and genuinely wants to spend time with them. He is kind and giving and takes the role of Father seriously. I know of other Fathers who have to work at spending time with their kids. It takes effort and doesn't come naturally to them. Matthew was born to be a Father, he  really loves his kids and has a strong relationship with them and this comes very naturally to him. He values his children and loves them. I love this about him. Thank You Matthew for being a great Father!!

Rain

The other day it was raining and I was chatting with a woman who like me was originally from Ontario. We both agreed how much we appreciated the rain and how much we missed the rain in Ontario. Other people joined in the conversation and didn't agree - they did not like the rain or appreciate it.

I love it when it rains. This probably started with my parents taking me out when I was little to jump in the puddles and throw rocks down the sewers. I loved those walks and today have taken my children on walk's in the rain. I know Sadie loves the rain, I smile with pride whenever it starts raining and my children get excited. They often will quickly run outside at the first hints of rain to feel it coming down and to jump in the puddles.

The other day Mackenzie told me her most favorite thing about nature was rain. My mother would be proud to know her grandchildren love the rain. Thanks Mom for teaching me to love the rain. Thanks for taking me to jump in the puddles. I still secretly love to jump in them. The other day on my run with Matthew I purposely jumped in a few just because I could. I guess it is for me like stopping to smell the roses, only a little more fun (and wet).

To Amazing Anonymous

Someone posted some questions on my blog about my recent Outspoken Ex-Mormon Bisexual speech. I thought I would make Anonymous into an Amazing super star like Wonder Woman or Superman because it is my blog and I decide Muh-Ha-Ha.

When did you first realize you were bisexual?

The word 'realize' is really quite key for this question because as I was feeling bisexual feelings as teen I would suppress them right away and not acknowledge them at all becasue my religion and upbringing taught me they were evil and bad and I was a pervert for having them. So looking back I can see that I statrted having these feelings as a teen however I din't realize or recognize them as such until I started my journey of leaving the Mormon religion. It was only then that I could safely look back and recognize that I had these feelings.

How did you you deal with these feelings  as a Mormon?

Well initially as I mentioned in the previous question, I suppressed them. As I left the religion I still was under the mindset of Mormonism and felt that these feelings were evil and bad (and therefore, I was evil and bad). Since I still believed in a homophobic hateful God during my journey of of Mormonism, at the time I felt like I was disappointing Him or that He would not be happy with me. This really made me quite depressed and sad. I began to change my thinking though, through prayer I really understood that these thoughts of being evil and bad were man made and from my programming. I eventually was able to de-program myself and realize that what was 'evil and bad' was the homophobic programming I had received at the hands of my religion and society.  Once I realized my thoughts were wrong and the story I was telling myself was wrong, I was then able to stop the thoughts and change them. Through prayer, I knew that God loved me just as I was. This brought me a tremendous amount of strength knowing God loved me just as I was unconditionally. This process did take a long time though since I had been raised Mormon and had to undue a lifetime of programming.

What was the process as you and Matthew worked out the details in your relationship

This was a huge process and almost caused Matthew to leave me. I couldn't convince him I was not a lesbian. He believed me to be a Lesbian and the evidence at the time did seem to point in that direction. He had to change the way he thought about the situation. Over time as we came to understand my new reality, he came to see my sexuality as something beautiful. There was a lot talking and being authentic, from both of us, in this process. Communication was key, but eventually he had to change how he thought about it and appreciate what we had together. He still will tell people I am a "high bi", and though I am unsure how true that is I definitely could fit that description at times. Other times I don't feel attracted to woman at all as it is a continuum and ebbs and flows for me. Sometimes I feel high-bi (maybe 60%-80% into women) and other times not really much at all. Working out the details of our relationship is and continues to be a process. Communication and being authentic about our needs individually and as a couple, is definitely key. 

MY LGBTQ CHRISTIAN PANEL DISCUSSION

Friday March 10, 2011 I was invited to speak on a LGBTQ Christian Panel discussing the intersection of our faith and sexuality and a bit of our journey.  This was on what would have been my mother's 74th birthday. She would have been so proud (not).  It was though, fantastic  for me to be able to share my experience, my feelings and a part of my journey.

THE VIDEO IS HERE:

MY 'SPEECH' is below

I deviated a bit from my prepared words, but just a bit.

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Hello,

My name is Tonya Miller.

I am going to share a bit of my journey as I discovered my bisexuality while I was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as the LDS or Mormon Church.

A BIT ABOUT ME

- I have 4 wonderful children (ages 17, 15, 12 and 10)

- I have 1 wonderful husband

- I am a foster parent and have had almost 90 foster children in the past 7 years

- I attend Lethbridge College full time.

- I am taking a sociology and psychology diploma and will eventually be getting my Master of Social work in Clinical Counselling

- I am very family oriented and I love children

- I believe in God

- I used to be a very faithful member of the LDS Mormon church

- Today I am no longer a member of that religion

- Today I identify as bisexual and Christian

SOME BACKGROUND ON LDS MORMON BELIEFS

Like many Christian religions, the Mormon Church is quite homophobic. They use the Bible as their authority for God's disdain for gays and reinforce homophobia among their members by having their Prophets and leaders actively campaign against the rights of the LGBTQ community.

As a Mormon you believe that what the LDS Church teaches you is direct from God. You believe that God speaks to the world through His Prophet in Salt Lake City just as I am talking to you now face to face. 

Like many homophobic religions, the Mormon Church goes to great pains to explain that they are not actually homophobic per se, and that they are merely sharing God's Will...while their members suffer from God's Will by having extremely high rates of suicide and depression, especially gay LDS members.

RECENT TEACHINGS TO MILLIONS OF FAITHFUL MORMONS

I’d like to share two sentences of a speech where God’s word was given through a LDS Prophet to the world. This exemplifies LDS teachings on homosexuality.

In this talk this Prophet said:

"Some suppose that gay people cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and the unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?”

He declared being gay is a choice, that these are only tendencies and that they can be overcome and that God does not make gay people. He further said gay people’s desires are “impure and unnatural”, this is Mormon code for Evil and Sinful.

Sadly, this talk did not occur 50 years ago prior to scientific enlightenment showing that being gay is NOT a choice but is very much a natural human condition, just as heterosexuality is a natural human condition.  This talk occurred just 5 months ago in October 2010.

In the LDS Church sexual sin (meaning: sex outside of marriage, petting or even masturbation) is taught to be a sin so evil that it is considered just below murder in seriousness. They also teach that gay sexual sin is worse than heterosexual sex.  This teaching dehumanizes and demonizes gay people.

Today the LDS Church says that gay people are entitled to whatever rights the law of the land gives them. And then the LDS Church gets to work to ensure that the laws of the land do not give them any rights.  They also teach that gay people are welcome in their religion so long as they never, ever, during their entire lives, act on being gay. No hugs, no hand holding, no kissing, no sex, no marriage, no family. Just be single and celibate and we will welcome you with open arms and a closed mind.

A BIT MORE OF MY HISTORY

- I was born in London Ontario to a LDS Family

- I grew up knowing that God spoke to the world, and directly to me, through his prophets in Salt Lake City

- As a teenager I would about 1 or 2 times a year feel rather intense desires towards women.

- I would instantly be repulsed at myself and shut down.

- I’d tell myself that Satan was tempting me, that I was an evil freak and that I was a bad person. 

- I would suppress these thoughts and feelings with great effort and with great success for most of my life.

- I got married at the young age of 18 and started to have my wonderful babies

- I did what was encouraged of LDS mothers, to stay home and raise the children (which I loved to do, I always wanted to be a stay at home mother)

- I had my children, my husband, my religion, my LDS friends, I had God on my side and I knew that I belonged to the only true church on earth.

- Life was good…though I had always had a constant low-level depression and never truly felt good enough; no matter how many rules I obeyed, no matter how many hoops I jumped through or how faithfully I devoted my life to the LDS religion.

MY JOURNEY OUT OF THE LDS CHURCH

- In 2007 my husband began to see that the LDS Church was not telling the truth to its membership and he eventually left the church. 

- This caused a huge rift in our relationship as I was still a believer.

- Over time I too began to see that there were issues with the LDS Church and I began to distance myself a bit from the church.

- This was hard though because it was all I knew for all my life.

- The LDS Church was my social life, my family life and even my future Eternal Life depended on LDS teachings. It was my entire existence.

- After a bit of time and distance (I was still active in the LDS church), my suppressed bisexual thoughts and desires bubbled up with greater intensity and frequency and despite my best efforts to suppress my real self I couldn’t bury them anymore and I realized that I was a bisexual woman

- I came out to my husband, and this was also a rocky time for us as he didn’t know what to do with my revelation and the ‘new me’.

- After a lot of talking and learning and growth we came through stronger than ever as a couple.

- I also came out to my 4 children, one by one. I sat each of them down and explained to them that I was bisexual, what that meant and that it was not changing anything in my marriage or in their lives

- I wanted my children to know the real me and who I really was as a whole and complete person. 

- My children all hugged me and told me they loved me. It was very powerful and emotional for me.

- After coming out though, I spent months on a roller coaster of being depressed and despondent and condemning myself to Hell for I still had one foot in the LDS church, culture and belief system.

- I was still sure that I was a freak, that I was evil and that if I died God would send me to Hell.

- Thankfully this self hatred and self condemnation went away, when I left the LDS church. 

- After consulting with LDS leaders about the inconsistencies in LDS teachings and doctrine and after experiencing the abusive way they treat people who question LDS beliefs, and after I saw the dehumanizing way they treated the gay community with Proposition 8 and then blatantly lied about it, that was my last straw and I left them for I knew that the God of Love could not be behind so much elitist hatred and dehumanizing.

- I left the church in 2008.

- Within weeks of leaving I found my lifetime of depression mostly disappeared.

- Unfortunately so too did my entire social life, my friends and even some of my close family.

- We visited several other religions but found they too had homophobic beliefs.

- Eventually we found the United Church and found they were pro-gay, did not use guilt as a control tactic and that people were free to come and go without fearing the wrath of God. Most importantly we found it was a place of love and acceptance without any reservations or hoops to jump through.

- Today I don’t attend church regularly at all.  I still pray.  I still believe in God, but not the same vengeful God who hated me for simply being who I was

- Today I know that I am simply who I am and I accept and love me for who I am.

- I am Tonya, a daughter, a mother, a wife, a student, a foster parent, an ex-Mormon, a humanist, a social worker, an advocate, I am a human being worthy of love and acceptance who happens to be bisexual.

Thank you.

Dinner And A 'Blast' From The Past

The other day Matt and I had a young couple and their four children for dinner (they were delicious! - ok, just kidding, we didn't eat them). It was fun to be able to be social and have people over for dinner, which is something I really don't do enough of. I think I will make that my New Year's resolution: to have more people over for dinner. So if you are reading my blog think of yourself as invited for dinner. REALLY! (PS - I'll save you an apron and you can help me cook -- see what a great friend I am? Yep, I'm good like that).

They were super fun and their kids were tres cute too.

It was interesting to me watching and listening to this couple as they are in the same boat as Matt and I were 2.5 years ago in that the husband had left the church and the wife was trying to hang on to her LDS beliefs. The husband reminded me of Matthew back in his black & white critical thinking phase. The wife, like me, is more of a spiritual/emotional type of person. Both are very good kindhearted people and I hope we can be friends with them for a long time.

As I told them my story of how I had left the church it was interesting to see the similarities between Matt and I and them. The husband, like Matt, had sort of suffocated the wife with anti-LDS information, it's all he can talk about. The difference was that Matt eventually (with the help of some online friends and their good advice - THANK YOU ONLINE FRIENDS OF MATT!) stopped suffocating me with the info., and I stopped wanting to suffocate him (with my bare hands, lol). Then I started learning and researching things for myself (I know most of you have read our story on Matt's blog so I won't go into detail here).  If you haven't you may want to read Matt's blog. This husband was still despartely trying to influence his wife to the truth about the church (that it is a hoax, and a  lie ). 

I thought how lucky Matt and I were that we had been able to move forward in a positive way (eventually) and I see clear signs that this wonderful and committed couple will be able to do the same (YAY!). It felt like quite a long time when we were in the mist of our 'experience' (Matt trying to 'show me the obvious truth' before we were able to move forward, for a few months - which felt like years). As I looked at this couple who started the experience of leaving the church close to the same time as we did I quickly became grateful we were not still sort of stuck in that state of anger and frustration and 'negotiation'. We would not have lasted as long as this couple has with these types of 'discussions'.  We were on our way to separation or divorce at the time when we went through it. It was the most difficult time in our marriage.  So I gave (and give) this couple a lot of credit to be able to weather this experience for so long and still stay together, they are both great people with a great capacity for patience and love.

I can remember when Matt and I were in counseling for our marriage for the LDS stuff and the bisexual stuff. I remember the counselor saying to Matt how me not making a decision of whether to leave the church or not was a decision. He of course said this to Matt alone and not me, he slightly favored Matt in my opinion *said in a still angry and slightly sarcastic tone*. I saw the wife of this couple very much like me, not feeling strongly that she wanted to leave the church and thinking it wasn't so bad and I saw her like me back in the day, wanting to stay for all of the good that she sees and that she feels is there.  I remember Matthew saying "But their teachings depress and KILL people" and that didn't really affect me, it was foreign to me, I didn't see it, couldn't see it, not fully.  Not until I realized I was one of the gays, lesbians and bisexuals in the 'queer community' they were actively oppressing and persecuting... THEN it mattered to me.  As in all things, it's not until we understand that we can care.

You could feel the tension between their two viewpoints and it made me in part admire that they have been able to withstand the rift between them for so long with such a young family. Personally I think it would be much harder a experience to go through with a younger family than what we had at the time, because it's just a harder and more stressful time in general.

Anyway, dinner was super, they are super and it was an interesting experience and felt like a blast from the past for me (not a 'fun blast' more like remembering dynamite being blown up at my feet actually, lol). I was particularly grateful to be in a great marriage today (compared to the low-point of where we were 2.5 years ago).  And I am hopeful that his super couple will also come through the 'blast' and rebuild and continue to love in patience and support for one another.

Looking back now it makes me angry to think of how harmful the church is and how the church through its lies built a rift between Matt and I. I am so glad that is over and that we got through it.  I am happy to be out of the LDS Church and so glad that I am out to the world (and to myself) as bisexual too.  It's freeing and liberating to be, well, to be your real, true, authentic self and I am so glad that Matt supports me in being, well, ME! :)

Poor Little Blog

So I have really neglected my poor little blog. Matthew (my husband - not my boyfriend (or girlfriend), just to be clear as to whom I am referring) is tisk-tisking me with his finger and I feel verrrrrry badly. So sorry my blog and those few followers that I have.

I just finished my first semester of full time College and boy does it feel great! I feel like I am learning so much. So many things that I would have never learned or accepted if I was still under the Mormon conservative mind set, they would have just bounce off of my "well, yes, but I KNOW 'better'" forcefield. It has been quite interesting to me, the contrast from this old mindset and my new open, liberal, thinking, loving and embracing mindset.

I live in Alberta Canada (the Bible belt of Canada) and took a couple of courses from a teacher who was a teenager in the 60's and had a very liberal anti-war mindset, not of the religious or conservative mindset (and he still isn't)  This was a contrast to some of the students who are Mormon or who had an otherwise religiously conservative mindset. It was interesting to see them defend there patriarchal and homophobic ideals -- like how the man should be the head of the household or why gay marriage is negatively affecting families today.

I just love learning and attending school has given me insight into myself, to really see where I was before I left the church (the conservative religious God only loves you if you follow these man-made made-up roles and rules) to where I am today (it's all about love, being kind and not judging). I just breathed a sigh of relief for myself and gave myself a mental, emotional and spiritual hug (yay me!).

In these 'debates' in class I also got a taste of what Matthew my hubby feels when he gets so emotional in discussing with our Mormon friends that their mindset is harmful. As I sat in the classes and disagreed with my fellow students' religious right-wing mindsets I found myself feeling quite heated and upset at the biogtry and harm that there beliefs were causing (both to themselves (the self-harm that willful blind non-thinking stupidity causes) and to those marginalized and vulnerable whom they were bullying and victimizing).

I am proud of myself and my school experiences. I did well on my grades (78 - 90% final marks) and I think I did a not too bad job of balancing family life and school. Matthew would disagree with me because he hears me with my stress and feels and sees my anxiety rearing its ugly head. However he really doesn't know the half of it. I tried to calm myself down quite a bit. I tried not to share my anxiety with him all of the time. I tried to remember what was really important and give him (Matt) time and the kids time. Though my 12 year old Mackenzie did say a couple of times I was "not allowed to talk about school anymore". So that does suggest there is some room for improvement in toning down the school focus. Bottom line is I love school and I am glad for the break I have now (a few weeks of no school) but I am excited to go back. I am also so grateful for the support Matthew gave me in doing the dishes, laundry, driving kids, helping with meals, folding towels and editing some of my assignments and helping me study. Matthew is a great at editing and writing (really great). In fact, I think I'll let him take me to Vegas so I can show him my gratitude...