To Amazing Anonymous

Someone posted some questions on my blog about my recent Outspoken Ex-Mormon Bisexual speech. I thought I would make Anonymous into an Amazing super star like Wonder Woman or Superman because it is my blog and I decide Muh-Ha-Ha.

When did you first realize you were bisexual?

The word 'realize' is really quite key for this question because as I was feeling bisexual feelings as teen I would suppress them right away and not acknowledge them at all becasue my religion and upbringing taught me they were evil and bad and I was a pervert for having them. So looking back I can see that I statrted having these feelings as a teen however I din't realize or recognize them as such until I started my journey of leaving the Mormon religion. It was only then that I could safely look back and recognize that I had these feelings.

How did you you deal with these feelings  as a Mormon?

Well initially as I mentioned in the previous question, I suppressed them. As I left the religion I still was under the mindset of Mormonism and felt that these feelings were evil and bad (and therefore, I was evil and bad). Since I still believed in a homophobic hateful God during my journey of of Mormonism, at the time I felt like I was disappointing Him or that He would not be happy with me. This really made me quite depressed and sad. I began to change my thinking though, through prayer I really understood that these thoughts of being evil and bad were man made and from my programming. I eventually was able to de-program myself and realize that what was 'evil and bad' was the homophobic programming I had received at the hands of my religion and society.  Once I realized my thoughts were wrong and the story I was telling myself was wrong, I was then able to stop the thoughts and change them. Through prayer, I knew that God loved me just as I was. This brought me a tremendous amount of strength knowing God loved me just as I was unconditionally. This process did take a long time though since I had been raised Mormon and had to undue a lifetime of programming.

What was the process as you and Matthew worked out the details in your relationship

This was a huge process and almost caused Matthew to leave me. I couldn't convince him I was not a lesbian. He believed me to be a Lesbian and the evidence at the time did seem to point in that direction. He had to change the way he thought about the situation. Over time as we came to understand my new reality, he came to see my sexuality as something beautiful. There was a lot talking and being authentic, from both of us, in this process. Communication was key, but eventually he had to change how he thought about it and appreciate what we had together. He still will tell people I am a "high bi", and though I am unsure how true that is I definitely could fit that description at times. Other times I don't feel attracted to woman at all as it is a continuum and ebbs and flows for me. Sometimes I feel high-bi (maybe 60%-80% into women) and other times not really much at all. Working out the details of our relationship is and continues to be a process. Communication and being authentic about our needs individually and as a couple, is definitely key.