Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thank You

Matthew has started a new job which takes him away from home from 6:30am to 6:00pm. It has been tough for me and the kids to have him gone so much.

Balancing his time and fitting in things like exercise or reading as a family as been quite difficult.

I have noticed Matt is less on facebook and doing less blogging than previously and I am grateful to see him put his family first.

He has also really made me feel like I am the only person in his life that matters to him (other than the kids of course). This is something that is very hard for a person with ADHD as there is always so many things to get distracted by. I have noticed him trying to focus on us as a couple and I wanted to say Thank you. He really has made me feel like a  priority. He compliments me regularly, is quick to apologize when he makes a mistake and gives me his time freely without hesitation. He text's me sweet uplifting text's throughout the day.

Matthew is a good husband who helps with the housework where and when he can (usually dishes that he hates doing). He helps with the kids homework and genuinely wants to spend time with them. He is kind and giving and takes the role of Father seriously. I know of other Fathers who have to work at spending time with their kids. It takes effort and doesn't come naturally to them. Matthew was born to be a Father, he  really loves his kids and has a strong relationship with them and this comes very naturally to him. He values his children and loves them. I love this about him. Thank You Matthew for being a great Father!!


The other day it was raining and I was chatting with a woman who like me was originally from Ontario. We both agreed how much we appreciated the rain and how much we missed the rain in Ontario. Other people joined in the conversation and didn't agree - they did not like the rain or appreciate it.

I love it when it rains. This probably started with my parents taking me out when I was little to jump in the puddles and throw rocks down the sewers. I loved those walks and today have taken my children on walk's in the rain. I know Sadie loves the rain, I smile with pride whenever it starts raining and my children get excited. They often will quickly run outside at the first hints of rain to feel it coming down and to jump in the puddles.

The other day Mackenzie told me her most favorite thing about nature was rain. My mother would be proud to know her grandchildren love the rain. Thanks Mom for teaching me to love the rain. Thanks for taking me to jump in the puddles. I still secretly love to jump in them. The other day on my run with Matthew I purposely jumped in a few just because I could. I guess it is for me like stopping to smell the roses, only a little more fun (and wet).

To Amazing Anonymous

Someone posted some questions on my blog about my recent Outspoken Ex-Mormon Bisexual speech. I thought I would make Anonymous into an Amazing super star like Wonder Woman or Superman because it is my blog and I decide Muh-Ha-Ha.

When did you first realize you were bisexual?

The word 'realize' is really quite key for this question because as I was feeling bisexual feelings as teen I would suppress them right away and not acknowledge them at all becasue my religion and upbringing taught me they were evil and bad and I was a pervert for having them. So looking back I can see that I statrted having these feelings as a teen however I din't realize or recognize them as such until I started my journey of leaving the Mormon religion. It was only then that I could safely look back and recognize that I had these feelings.

How did you you deal with these feelings  as a Mormon?

Well initially as I mentioned in the previous question, I suppressed them. As I left the religion I still was under the mindset of Mormonism and felt that these feelings were evil and bad (and therefore, I was evil and bad). Since I still believed in a homophobic hateful God during my journey of of Mormonism, at the time I felt like I was disappointing Him or that He would not be happy with me. This really made me quite depressed and sad. I began to change my thinking though, through prayer I really understood that these thoughts of being evil and bad were man made and from my programming. I eventually was able to de-program myself and realize that what was 'evil and bad' was the homophobic programming I had received at the hands of my religion and society.  Once I realized my thoughts were wrong and the story I was telling myself was wrong, I was then able to stop the thoughts and change them. Through prayer, I knew that God loved me just as I was. This brought me a tremendous amount of strength knowing God loved me just as I was unconditionally. This process did take a long time though since I had been raised Mormon and had to undue a lifetime of programming.

What was the process as you and Matthew worked out the details in your relationship

This was a huge process and almost caused Matthew to leave me. I couldn't convince him I was not a lesbian. He believed me to be a Lesbian and the evidence at the time did seem to point in that direction. He had to change the way he thought about the situation. Over time as we came to understand my new reality, he came to see my sexuality as something beautiful. There was a lot talking and being authentic, from both of us, in this process. Communication was key, but eventually he had to change how he thought about it and appreciate what we had together. He still will tell people I am a "high bi", and though I am unsure how true that is I definitely could fit that description at times. Other times I don't feel attracted to woman at all as it is a continuum and ebbs and flows for me. Sometimes I feel high-bi (maybe 60%-80% into women) and other times not really much at all. Working out the details of our relationship is and continues to be a process. Communication and being authentic about our needs individually and as a couple, is definitely key.