Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dinner And A 'Blast' From The Past

The other day Matt and I had a young couple and their four children for dinner (they were delicious! - ok, just kidding, we didn't eat them). It was fun to be able to be social and have people over for dinner, which is something I really don't do enough of. I think I will make that my New Year's resolution: to have more people over for dinner. So if you are reading my blog think of yourself as invited for dinner. REALLY! (PS - I'll save you an apron and you can help me cook -- see what a great friend I am? Yep, I'm good like that).

They were super fun and their kids were tres cute too.

It was interesting to me watching and listening to this couple as they are in the same boat as Matt and I were 2.5 years ago in that the husband had left the church and the wife was trying to hang on to her LDS beliefs. The husband reminded me of Matthew back in his black & white critical thinking phase. The wife, like me, is more of a spiritual/emotional type of person. Both are very good kindhearted people and I hope we can be friends with them for a long time.

As I told them my story of how I had left the church it was interesting to see the similarities between Matt and I and them. The husband, like Matt, had sort of suffocated the wife with anti-LDS information, it's all he can talk about. The difference was that Matt eventually (with the help of some online friends and their good advice - THANK YOU ONLINE FRIENDS OF MATT!) stopped suffocating me with the info., and I stopped wanting to suffocate him (with my bare hands, lol). Then I started learning and researching things for myself (I know most of you have read our story on Matt's blog so I won't go into detail here).  If you haven't you may want to read Matt's blog. This husband was still despartely trying to influence his wife to the truth about the church (that it is a hoax, and a  lie ). 

I thought how lucky Matt and I were that we had been able to move forward in a positive way (eventually) and I see clear signs that this wonderful and committed couple will be able to do the same (YAY!). It felt like quite a long time when we were in the mist of our 'experience' (Matt trying to 'show me the obvious truth' before we were able to move forward, for a few months - which felt like years). As I looked at this couple who started the experience of leaving the church close to the same time as we did I quickly became grateful we were not still sort of stuck in that state of anger and frustration and 'negotiation'. We would not have lasted as long as this couple has with these types of 'discussions'.  We were on our way to separation or divorce at the time when we went through it. It was the most difficult time in our marriage.  So I gave (and give) this couple a lot of credit to be able to weather this experience for so long and still stay together, they are both great people with a great capacity for patience and love.

I can remember when Matt and I were in counseling for our marriage for the LDS stuff and the bisexual stuff. I remember the counselor saying to Matt how me not making a decision of whether to leave the church or not was a decision. He of course said this to Matt alone and not me, he slightly favored Matt in my opinion *said in a still angry and slightly sarcastic tone*. I saw the wife of this couple very much like me, not feeling strongly that she wanted to leave the church and thinking it wasn't so bad and I saw her like me back in the day, wanting to stay for all of the good that she sees and that she feels is there.  I remember Matthew saying "But their teachings depress and KILL people" and that didn't really affect me, it was foreign to me, I didn't see it, couldn't see it, not fully.  Not until I realized I was one of the gays, lesbians and bisexuals in the 'queer community' they were actively oppressing and persecuting... THEN it mattered to me.  As in all things, it's not until we understand that we can care.

You could feel the tension between their two viewpoints and it made me in part admire that they have been able to withstand the rift between them for so long with such a young family. Personally I think it would be much harder a experience to go through with a younger family than what we had at the time, because it's just a harder and more stressful time in general.

Anyway, dinner was super, they are super and it was an interesting experience and felt like a blast from the past for me (not a 'fun blast' more like remembering dynamite being blown up at my feet actually, lol). I was particularly grateful to be in a great marriage today (compared to the low-point of where we were 2.5 years ago).  And I am hopeful that his super couple will also come through the 'blast' and rebuild and continue to love in patience and support for one another.

Looking back now it makes me angry to think of how harmful the church is and how the church through its lies built a rift between Matt and I. I am so glad that is over and that we got through it.  I am happy to be out of the LDS Church and so glad that I am out to the world (and to myself) as bisexual too.  It's freeing and liberating to be, well, to be your real, true, authentic self and I am so glad that Matt supports me in being, well, ME! :)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Poor Little Blog

So I have really neglected my poor little blog. Matthew (my husband - not my boyfriend (or girlfriend), just to be clear as to whom I am referring) is tisk-tisking me with his finger and I feel verrrrrry badly. So sorry my blog and those few followers that I have.

I just finished my first semester of full time College and boy does it feel great! I feel like I am learning so much. So many things that I would have never learned or accepted if I was still under the Mormon conservative mind set, they would have just bounce off of my "well, yes, but I KNOW 'better'" forcefield. It has been quite interesting to me, the contrast from this old mindset and my new open, liberal, thinking, loving and embracing mindset.

I live in Alberta Canada (the Bible belt of Canada) and took a couple of courses from a teacher who was a teenager in the 60's and had a very liberal anti-war mindset, not of the religious or conservative mindset (and he still isn't)  This was a contrast to some of the students who are Mormon or who had an otherwise religiously conservative mindset. It was interesting to see them defend there patriarchal and homophobic ideals -- like how the man should be the head of the household or why gay marriage is negatively affecting families today.

I just love learning and attending school has given me insight into myself, to really see where I was before I left the church (the conservative religious God only loves you if you follow these man-made made-up roles and rules) to where I am today (it's all about love, being kind and not judging). I just breathed a sigh of relief for myself and gave myself a mental, emotional and spiritual hug (yay me!).

In these 'debates' in class I also got a taste of what Matthew my hubby feels when he gets so emotional in discussing with our Mormon friends that their mindset is harmful. As I sat in the classes and disagreed with my fellow students' religious right-wing mindsets I found myself feeling quite heated and upset at the biogtry and harm that there beliefs were causing (both to themselves (the self-harm that willful blind non-thinking stupidity causes) and to those marginalized and vulnerable whom they were bullying and victimizing).

I am proud of myself and my school experiences. I did well on my grades (78 - 90% final marks) and I think I did a not too bad job of balancing family life and school. Matthew would disagree with me because he hears me with my stress and feels and sees my anxiety rearing its ugly head. However he really doesn't know the half of it. I tried to calm myself down quite a bit. I tried not to share my anxiety with him all of the time. I tried to remember what was really important and give him (Matt) time and the kids time. Though my 12 year old Mackenzie did say a couple of times I was "not allowed to talk about school anymore". So that does suggest there is some room for improvement in toning down the school focus. Bottom line is I love school and I am glad for the break I have now (a few weeks of no school) but I am excited to go back. I am also so grateful for the support Matthew gave me in doing the dishes, laundry, driving kids, helping with meals, folding towels and editing some of my assignments and helping me study. Matthew is a great at editing and writing (really great). In fact, I think I'll let him take me to Vegas so I can show him my gratitude...