Dinner And A 'Blast' From The Past

The other day Matt and I had a young couple and their four children for dinner (they were delicious! - ok, just kidding, we didn't eat them). It was fun to be able to be social and have people over for dinner, which is something I really don't do enough of. I think I will make that my New Year's resolution: to have more people over for dinner. So if you are reading my blog think of yourself as invited for dinner. REALLY! (PS - I'll save you an apron and you can help me cook -- see what a great friend I am? Yep, I'm good like that).

They were super fun and their kids were tres cute too.

It was interesting to me watching and listening to this couple as they are in the same boat as Matt and I were 2.5 years ago in that the husband had left the church and the wife was trying to hang on to her LDS beliefs. The husband reminded me of Matthew back in his black & white critical thinking phase. The wife, like me, is more of a spiritual/emotional type of person. Both are very good kindhearted people and I hope we can be friends with them for a long time.

As I told them my story of how I had left the church it was interesting to see the similarities between Matt and I and them. The husband, like Matt, had sort of suffocated the wife with anti-LDS information, it's all he can talk about. The difference was that Matt eventually (with the help of some online friends and their good advice - THANK YOU ONLINE FRIENDS OF MATT!) stopped suffocating me with the info., and I stopped wanting to suffocate him (with my bare hands, lol). Then I started learning and researching things for myself (I know most of you have read our story on Matt's blog so I won't go into detail here).  If you haven't you may want to read Matt's blog. This husband was still despartely trying to influence his wife to the truth about the church (that it is a hoax, and a  lie ). 

I thought how lucky Matt and I were that we had been able to move forward in a positive way (eventually) and I see clear signs that this wonderful and committed couple will be able to do the same (YAY!). It felt like quite a long time when we were in the mist of our 'experience' (Matt trying to 'show me the obvious truth' before we were able to move forward, for a few months - which felt like years). As I looked at this couple who started the experience of leaving the church close to the same time as we did I quickly became grateful we were not still sort of stuck in that state of anger and frustration and 'negotiation'. We would not have lasted as long as this couple has with these types of 'discussions'.  We were on our way to separation or divorce at the time when we went through it. It was the most difficult time in our marriage.  So I gave (and give) this couple a lot of credit to be able to weather this experience for so long and still stay together, they are both great people with a great capacity for patience and love.

I can remember when Matt and I were in counseling for our marriage for the LDS stuff and the bisexual stuff. I remember the counselor saying to Matt how me not making a decision of whether to leave the church or not was a decision. He of course said this to Matt alone and not me, he slightly favored Matt in my opinion *said in a still angry and slightly sarcastic tone*. I saw the wife of this couple very much like me, not feeling strongly that she wanted to leave the church and thinking it wasn't so bad and I saw her like me back in the day, wanting to stay for all of the good that she sees and that she feels is there.  I remember Matthew saying "But their teachings depress and KILL people" and that didn't really affect me, it was foreign to me, I didn't see it, couldn't see it, not fully.  Not until I realized I was one of the gays, lesbians and bisexuals in the 'queer community' they were actively oppressing and persecuting... THEN it mattered to me.  As in all things, it's not until we understand that we can care.

You could feel the tension between their two viewpoints and it made me in part admire that they have been able to withstand the rift between them for so long with such a young family. Personally I think it would be much harder a experience to go through with a younger family than what we had at the time, because it's just a harder and more stressful time in general.

Anyway, dinner was super, they are super and it was an interesting experience and felt like a blast from the past for me (not a 'fun blast' more like remembering dynamite being blown up at my feet actually, lol). I was particularly grateful to be in a great marriage today (compared to the low-point of where we were 2.5 years ago).  And I am hopeful that his super couple will also come through the 'blast' and rebuild and continue to love in patience and support for one another.

Looking back now it makes me angry to think of how harmful the church is and how the church through its lies built a rift between Matt and I. I am so glad that is over and that we got through it.  I am happy to be out of the LDS Church and so glad that I am out to the world (and to myself) as bisexual too.  It's freeing and liberating to be, well, to be your real, true, authentic self and I am so glad that Matt supports me in being, well, ME! :)

Poor Little Blog

So I have really neglected my poor little blog. Matthew (my husband - not my boyfriend (or girlfriend), just to be clear as to whom I am referring) is tisk-tisking me with his finger and I feel verrrrrry badly. So sorry my blog and those few followers that I have.

I just finished my first semester of full time College and boy does it feel great! I feel like I am learning so much. So many things that I would have never learned or accepted if I was still under the Mormon conservative mind set, they would have just bounce off of my "well, yes, but I KNOW 'better'" forcefield. It has been quite interesting to me, the contrast from this old mindset and my new open, liberal, thinking, loving and embracing mindset.

I live in Alberta Canada (the Bible belt of Canada) and took a couple of courses from a teacher who was a teenager in the 60's and had a very liberal anti-war mindset, not of the religious or conservative mindset (and he still isn't)  This was a contrast to some of the students who are Mormon or who had an otherwise religiously conservative mindset. It was interesting to see them defend there patriarchal and homophobic ideals -- like how the man should be the head of the household or why gay marriage is negatively affecting families today.

I just love learning and attending school has given me insight into myself, to really see where I was before I left the church (the conservative religious God only loves you if you follow these man-made made-up roles and rules) to where I am today (it's all about love, being kind and not judging). I just breathed a sigh of relief for myself and gave myself a mental, emotional and spiritual hug (yay me!).

In these 'debates' in class I also got a taste of what Matthew my hubby feels when he gets so emotional in discussing with our Mormon friends that their mindset is harmful. As I sat in the classes and disagreed with my fellow students' religious right-wing mindsets I found myself feeling quite heated and upset at the biogtry and harm that there beliefs were causing (both to themselves (the self-harm that willful blind non-thinking stupidity causes) and to those marginalized and vulnerable whom they were bullying and victimizing).

I am proud of myself and my school experiences. I did well on my grades (78 - 90% final marks) and I think I did a not too bad job of balancing family life and school. Matthew would disagree with me because he hears me with my stress and feels and sees my anxiety rearing its ugly head. However he really doesn't know the half of it. I tried to calm myself down quite a bit. I tried not to share my anxiety with him all of the time. I tried to remember what was really important and give him (Matt) time and the kids time. Though my 12 year old Mackenzie did say a couple of times I was "not allowed to talk about school anymore". So that does suggest there is some room for improvement in toning down the school focus. Bottom line is I love school and I am glad for the break I have now (a few weeks of no school) but I am excited to go back. I am also so grateful for the support Matthew gave me in doing the dishes, laundry, driving kids, helping with meals, folding towels and editing some of my assignments and helping me study. Matthew is a great at editing and writing (really great). In fact, I think I'll let him take me to Vegas so I can show him my gratitude...

My Thoughts on Child Welfare

Recently I attended a birthday party of an "old" foster daughter. I hadn't seen this child in what felt like quite a while so it was especially nice to be invited and remembered. It was great to see her with her adoptive family. I'll call her Autumn to allow me to write without having to refer to her as her/she continuously, and still maintain her privacy.

Autumn was so happy at her new home, I could feel the sense of ownership and attachment when she called her adoptive mother Mommy and father Daddy.  I got a huge sense of joy from witnessing this happiness in her. This is really what my job of foster parent is to me. A temporary home for children who are on their journey through life toward their home with their family, either adoptive or biological.

Autumn also had a sense of sadness, when her present from her biological parents was brought out. Biological siblings were invited to the party but the biological parents were unable to attend. It was sad for me to see her play with her barbie from her bio parents. There was a dreamy far off look in her eyes, a sense of wondering. Where are my bio parents? Why didn't they attend? Where do they fit in my life now?  I know that there is an empty place in her heart when it comes to her biological parents. It is confusing to Autumn and I know Autumn believes there is something wrong with her and that is why her parents are not in her life.  I felt sad for Autumn realizing what she was feeling, knowing from experience when she lived with me. It was sad for me too having worked with her Biological parents. I truly felt the loss of their presence at the party. I cared for her parents (and still do), developed a  friendship and hoped that they would overcome there addictions and work towards getting Autumn back.  So I also felt pain and frustration with Autumn's sadness.

I recently finished  a book on Child Welfare.(Moving toward positive systems of child and family welfare : current issues and future directions) Something I found quite interesting was how different the experience of Foster Care and Child Welfare is overseas in the Netherlands and Belgium. They first and foremost have a less adversarial feel to their Children's Services and Foster care. The parents are first refereed to an organization where they attend classes 2-3 times a week to help them improve there tool box of parenting skills and also see a psychiatrist to help deal with past issues (99.999% of addicts are dealing with the pain of past issues, just like you and I would want, in my estimation and viewpoint, they are to be loved and not shunned or judged).

Overseas it is viewed as more normal for parents to slip up every once in a while; and because of this view often the parents will sign up voluntarily to get help instead of being mandated or forced to get help. The parent therefore, because of how they are treated (with respect and without threat of losing their children) does not feel like a bad parent attending these classes because it is normal to have problems and society and the community view them as normal and 'ok' and 'just like everybody else'; there is no sense of 'other' or 'worse than' or 'better than'.

If this first organization which is trying to help deal with the addictions and or neglect or other issues does not help accomplish the goals with the parents then it moves forward to a Judge. The Judge then will try different approaches, other community supports, other healing and helping methods, to support the parents and give them the tools they need. Putting the children into foster care, removing the child from the home, even a home where there is what we see as 'abuse and neglect' is only used as a very last resort and in the most serious of cases when they have run out of options and alternatives.  Removing the children from homes in these countries very rarely happens and also only when the physical, emotional or mental safety of the child is severely threatened. Even more rare is adoption of a foster child as foster care is almost always a temporary thing until the parents become more able to cope with life and to properly care for their children.

I thought of the  many Bio parents I've worked with over the past seven years. It is safe to say that they all (with the exception of one) believe the social workers and the system are against them. They have never felt safe, viewed as equals or that they were treated with respect (at least not that they have shared with Matt and I).  What kind of healthy working relationships can be created when dealing with the sense of fear, anger, and mistrust?  If the parent goes into it with a feeling of shame and defeat that comes from having to work with (i.e. 'being forced to') social services, well, I just wonder if there isn't a better way to make people who come into the child welfare system feel more human. Other countries wondered, and acted, and have far more humane systems of dealing with 'social issues'.

I'd like bio parents to feel they are not alone that we all fall short of being a perfect parent at times. Is there not a more loving place for the system to come from than one of inducing the fear of losing your kids and the sense of complete 'power over' that the Goverment and social workers are seen and felt to have over their lives?  Especially for when the root cause of their 'dysfunction' and 'challenges' is most often from abuse they have suffered. I would think that social work would work towards healing and helping the sufferer, not causing further hurt and harm by not addressing the real issues and not getting to root cause...and in my estimation, removing children often does far more harm than good (depending on the severity of the abuse, neglect and issues of course).  In 80% of the fostering cases we have seen, the children and parents are simply in a 'time out' anyway, without any real counseling or therapy or 'help' for either the parents, nor the children, being offered - or accepted or embraced if it is offered (again, this to me speaks of shame, mistrust, anger and a lack of relationship between Government social work and the parents -- all things which some other countries have managed to successfully overcome and navigate for the most part).

What is really wrong with humanizing the pain these parents have gone through? Few of us are perfect parents. Few of us have lived a life completely free of baggage and challenges. Over the years I have known social workers with mental health challenges, addictions challenges, relationship challenges etc., and they are treated humanely (for the most part).  Granted, usually these parents have more baggage to deal with than the average "Joe" but all the more reason to have compassion and to help heal where we can. We could be real with them and let them know we all have times where we loose it, get depressed, get addicted (TV, news, exercise, gossip, internet, drugs, alcohol), and that they are ok and just like everybody else.

I just wonder if there would be less of a need for kids to be removed in the first place if parents felt safe, non-ostracized, normal, human and didn't have the fear and threat of losing their children.  Would less children be removed because the parents were willingly accepting the help offered, and if that help was real, deep and effective, would that not help alleviate the issues so that Children's Services were no longer needed in their lives?  Why not strive to make it work?  Why not follow the models of other countries wherein a 3rd party mediates between the State and the Parent and every conceivable resource that particular family needs...is given.  Why not?

My hope is for a system where it is reasonable to expect and gain a relationship of trust with the parents who come into the Child Welfare System. I'd like a system that circles around the parents, bringing in the experts to help the family really delve into their challenges and give them the tools they need to face the problems that life brings (and that life has brought them thus far, for this is the root cause of their challenges). I would love to see supports in place to help the family through the problems they may be having like respite for overwhelmed parents or food and clothing vouchers for the poor and struggling, or addictions supports and counseling which is helpful and effective. Other things too like babysitting and daycare so they can go back to school and get out of their dead end jobs.

As happy as I was for the adoptive family and my foster children I wondered: is this really the best we can do for biological families?  Have we as society decided that this is the best we can and should offer?  I just feel so passionate about these families enmeshed in 'the system' and hope for a better way in helping children and their families, truly helping them.  Not allowing the abuse to continue, but also not allowing the environment of mistrust and power over and non-help to continue either. True helping, it's being successfully done elsewhere, why not here?

LETTING GO OF AN UGLY BIAS

Sometimes when I day dream I think bout what if? What if I had made different choices than I did?  What if I had argued with my mother more to look both ways before crossing the street? Would she still be alive today? What if, on and on. Today is the "anniversary" of the day she died and so I am reflecting on her.

I have been thinking about how  the events that happen in our lives affect us. I have been reading Wally Lamb's book Couldn't Keep it to Myself, essays of students in his writing workshop at York Correctional Institution, a women's prison in Connecticut. It made me think about my bias towards prisoners. I used to feel that if you made it to prison you must belong there. My bias was also that prisoners usually did not do 'time equal to their crime'. Then it seemed apparent to me that the American justice system is different than the Canadian justice system. In Wally lamb's book he spoke of a child who entered prison at the age of 15 and was not scheduled to be released until 2046, the year she turns 64. She has since her incarceration attempted suicide 3 times. It just seems so much more unforgiving and harsh than the Canadian system (at least to my current knowledge).

Wally Lamb's book Couldn't Keep It To Myself, contained the women prisoner's life stories. It was interesting for me to see their life stories and learn about their experiences and events that formed and shaped them into the people they became. I don't believe a single woman prisoner in the book was not sexually abused as a child, every woman's story leading up to her incarceration contained sexual abuse.  Most had also experienced domestic violence from their significant other. Most suffered from Post traumatic Stress Disorder while they were in prison which shows how traumatic there life experiences were before entering prison.

I felt changed after reading the book, like it could have been me in that prison. One woman from the prison had been sexually abused and had experienced domestic violence and then her grandchild experienced sexual abuse from the same male who she experienced domestic violence from. She shot him dead when she found out about her grandchild's abuse. As I read this I wondered, if I had experienced the same life would I have done any differently? I  could see myself having a nervous break down and wanting to shoot the abuser. Wally Lamb's book really taught me to recognize that prisoners are just people just like me. I need to love them and try to understand them.

In my work as a foster parent I have always had sympathy for the addicted parents that I work with, and I always work with them with the end in mind of helping them to get their kids back. I knew the stories of their past were severe. I understood there was reasons as to why they were addicted. Many told horrendous stories of what they had to overcome in their childhoods and the impact this has had on their adult lives. None of us could live the challenges many of these parents faced and emerge unscathed. I must admit though for one of the parents of the children in my care, a mom who was in jail for a very serious crime, I felt justified in being a little holier than thou. I told myself that obviously she was a bad egg and so the usual sympathy I felt for the parents I work with went out the window. After reading Wally Lamb's book  it opened my eyes to my own bias against prisoners. I saw the correlation between incest, sexual abuse, violence perpetrated against females and those females going on to commit acts of crime. I also could see from the women prisoner's first hand accounts, the extent to which American prisons fail to rehabilitate them (men, women, and sometimes even children) as well as the racist and classist nature of the American justice system.

My mother experienced sexual abuse from a family member when she was a child. She had a life similar to a few of the women I read about in Wally Lamb's book. She was quite damaged emotionally and it opened my eyes to who she could have become. I had always pitied my mother and said she was damaged but look at the horribly hard life she experienced. Which is true still, but she was able to keep her emotions and actions together enough to stay out of jail. My mother had her faults, she was a parent similar to some of those that I work with. Not many tools in her tool box for parenting skills. I do give her credit for staying out of jail. Maybe she should earn my pride a little more. This accomplishment, her staying out of jail, is not something I would have recognized if I hadn't read Wally Lamb's book.

This book had a serious impact on my thoughts and feelings and showed me a bias I had towards prisoners. I didn't even recognize the bias as something negative. Maybe I can learn to show more love towards prisoners. At the end of the day the prisoners are people just like me and you. I identified with these women and wondered if I had lived their lives might I also be in prison? If so wouldn't I want to be treated like a human being while I was in prison and not inhumanly like the prisons do today?

To quote Wally Lamb speaking of the inhumane treatment of prisoners "At York C.I. a woman is told when to rise, what to wear, when to shower, when to eat, when to use the phone, and when to go to bed," Lamb shrewdly observes. "Her mail can be read, censored, or confiscated. An institutional lockdown can abort her classes, her workday, or a planned visit with her children." She also can be put into segregation (23 hours a day of isolation), have degrading strip searches performed and or be denied meals just on the whim of a guard and without any real provocation or justification. She is powerless and all too often the victim of a continued cycle of abuse from without the prison walls (her life prior to her 'crime') to within the prison walls.

James Baldwin once put it "People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes back to them, poisoned." This quote makes me think there must be a better way towards rehabilitation for prisoners. I dream of a prison system where prisoners are treated humanely. I would love to see the prisons with work for the prisoners to do, where their talents and strengths are used. I think their self-esteem would be built and strengthened from the pursuit of a trade or profession. I am grateful to have read Wally's Lamb's book for what it taught me about myself and my relationship to the foster parents I work with and most especially to how I view my mother.

MOM! I HAVE A QUESTION!

I have to share this with the world because it was one of those funny moments in my life. Well truthfully I  did not recognize it at the time as being funny but now looking back I can see it for what it was: a very funny moment. It was a beautiful summer Saturday. Birds were chirping, neighbors were busy landscaping their lawns and playing with their children. One was cleaning her vehicle nearby.  Sierra and I and Mackenzie were starting to get into the van when out of the blue at the the top of her lungs Sierra asked me "Mom when you have sex do you get pregnant every time?!" I was stunned and my fear of keeping up with the Jones' kicked in (more like hiding from the Jones') I thought I would hide my embarrassment by hopping into the van. Sierra was a little distraught that I continued to jump in the van without answering her and said even louder "MoM! MoM! I really need an answer to this question! When you have sex do you always get pregnant?!!" In my most instructional curt voice I said "Sierra get in the van". Sierra looking very bewildered at me because of my tone said "MoM?" "Just get in the van and I will explain it" I said. "Mom?"  I explained to her that I would answer her question but that may have not been the best time for her to ask with all the neighbors to hear. She sheepishly looked at me and said sorry. Then I proceeded to explain that you did not get pregnant every time but you never really knew which time you would get pregnant. I explained to her about birth control. Not in depth just that there were different things that you could use to prevent a pregnancy. It was a very interesting conversation as you can imagine. I wonder what the neighbors thought...

Sierra has decided she does not want to go through the pain of labor. So she says she will adopt her children. She has been thinking a lot about this lately; even asking me when I think she should tell her children that they were adopted. Also how I think she could go about telling them. I told her I thought she should tell them right up front as soon as they are able to understand. I told her she could tell them they had two mommies. Sierra the mommy who raises them. Plus they have a tummy mommy (the mommy who carried them in their tummy). I told her I could get books from the library, kid books that she could read to her children to help her explain it. She asked me to get them for her 'now' so she could be prepared. So I am guessing that this was the real reason for our recent sex question for all the neighbors to hear.

I think though I am altogether too often having a keeping up with Jones' mode of thinking. Worried what people will think and not truly motivated by the real deal of life which is Love. Lately I have been going through something with a child of mine. They make choices that in no way play into my version of happily ever after. Nothing too serious, just normal kid stuff. Normal being the operative word because My children were not going to be normal. They were to be so much more than normal. Really as I see it, in my heart I know I am lucky to have normal. If I look closely my children are not even normal, they are just who they are, with their own quirks and lovable qualities. At the end of the day I know because I do not have a 'normal' relationship with them I am privy to information a normal parent would not be. Even if it is information that disappoints me. So when I look at it really I am blessed to have normal children in an abnormally open and trusting relationship. Hopefully I can keep that relationship through their normal growing up years.