Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Freeing myself from my past

Recently I have cause to reflect on myself at my worst.
It has caused me to wonder how much of my negative history (abuse I endured from those I love)
has effected me.
As a foster parent I raised children who like me had negative history's and I empathized with their pain.
I also got to experience their character's some which were deeply effected by their negative experience.
I saw negative behaviours from them that I believe were a direct result of their experience.  Things like anxiety, anger, depression, low self confidence etc.
So as I looked at myself on my worst days where I too was angry said things that shouldn't have been said and hurt those that are closest to me. I of course was sad and depressed. I had behaved this way wondered to myself  how much truth their was to me also carrying on some ugly traits from my past.

Being aware of my past and the potential to become someone who is impatient and loses their temper and cuts to the quick with their words. I have been working on this my whole life. I can remember being very little and feeling the pain my mother behaving at her worst and promising myself I would never become my worst self. So it has been a little frightening to come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect in this way. I can have less of these instances in my life. I needed to be okay that we all have our worst self days and accept that I can't expect perfection in this area. The fact that I have had worst self days where I did behave impatient and used my words in a fashion that I am not proud of and hurt those I love. In no way means that I have become my mother. It simply means I had a worst self day.

I have seen a few counsellors of late regarding issue's that I have from my past that are affecting me today. I have got to say I find it so useless, like I feel like put myself out there my real self and I don't really feel heard and I walk away feeling more hurt than healed. It is weird because as many of you know Matt is a counsellor so you would think I would be a great supporter but I just feel like it got me no where. I don't feel like anything was resolved. I shared  this hurt and pain and they just listen without even really listening or understanding what I am saying. Plus now I need to go home and have all of these awful memories right at the surface.

I have been reading a borderline personality book that Matthew wanted to read. So I read to him on our drives to work it has been interesting to see how much there is some of Matthew in borderline as well as myself. Interesting to see we are all kind of similar all of us the insane and the sane. We all hve pieces of mental illness in our behaviour. 

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