Freeing myself from my past

Recently I have cause to reflect on myself at my worst.
It has caused me to wonder how much of my negative history (abuse I endured from those I love)
has effected me.
As a foster parent I raised children who like me had negative history's and I empathized with their pain.
I also got to experience their character's some which were deeply effected by their negative experience.
I saw negative behaviours from them that I believe were a direct result of their experience.  Things like anxiety, anger, depression, low self confidence etc.
So as I looked at myself on my worst days where I too was angry said things that shouldn't have been said and hurt those that are closest to me. I of course was sad and depressed. I had behaved this way wondered to myself  how much truth their was to me also carrying on some ugly traits from my past.

Being aware of my past and the potential to become someone who is impatient and loses their temper and cuts to the quick with their words. I have been working on this my whole life. I can remember being very little and feeling the pain my mother behaving at her worst and promising myself I would never become my worst self. So it has been a little frightening to come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect in this way. I can have less of these instances in my life. I needed to be okay that we all have our worst self days and accept that I can't expect perfection in this area. The fact that I have had worst self days where I did behave impatient and used my words in a fashion that I am not proud of and hurt those I love. In no way means that I have become my mother. It simply means I had a worst self day.

I have seen a few counsellors of late regarding issue's that I have from my past that are affecting me today. I have got to say I find it so useless, like I feel like put myself out there my real self and I don't really feel heard and I walk away feeling more hurt than healed. It is weird because as many of you know Matt is a counsellor so you would think I would be a great supporter but I just feel like it got me no where. I don't feel like anything was resolved. I shared  this hurt and pain and they just listen without even really listening or understanding what I am saying. Plus now I need to go home and have all of these awful memories right at the surface.

I have been reading a borderline personality book that Matthew wanted to read. So I read to him on our drives to work it has been interesting to see how much there is some of Matthew in borderline as well as myself. Interesting to see we are all kind of similar all of us the insane and the sane. We all hve pieces of mental illness in our behaviour. 

So Happy to be at Home

    Things have changed recently for me. I am working less and home more. I feel so happy about that. I am able to be home and really be a mom. Which has always been my real goal in life.I  I am grateful for my job. I love it and I am grateful that life forced me to get a job and help my family. I like working, I like feeling like I am helping those I work with and making a bit of a difference while helping my family too. I am a true stay at home mom though and I love being able to be at home. I am able to make more healthy meals for my family. . I like being around to form strong relationships with my kids. There was a noticed change in my relationship with Sierra since I stopped working all of the time.I must be a little crazy because I am even grateful to be cleaning up after my kids and husband. Times before when I would have complained that they could/should do it themselves I just feel gratitude.

 I recently watched Charlie st.cloud with Sierra. It is a Zac Efrom movie so for my budding teeny bopper a must see. She was so excited asking me if it was in at the library yet. We watched the movie and I enjoyed it but it left us to have big discussions about life and death. Sierra asked "why do we have to die mom" I didn't really have an answer for her. She asked "why I and her Dad would likely die first" She was crying and she wouldn't let me hold her and that was hard. Not being able to hold her. It was hard not having any really answers for her too. In my Mormon days I would have had all the answers it was hard and felt a little lame to say I just don't know. I did tell her what I believed, I shared with her how I believed I had felt my mom at periods of time in my life. Not just my Mormon days. Still sometimes you can't give all the answers and I am learning to be okay with that. I got her a bunch of books from the library on near death experiences.She said something I found quite cute and hilarious "Why can't big foot just take us all to the jungle already"

Last night I was watching the TV Show "Friends". I adore that TV show and I have passed on my love for it to Mackenzie and it was an episode that we just laughed our hearts out too. Mackenzie said  "I love this show"and I said "I love it too and I loved it first" and she disagreed with me and said that she loved it first.
So I countered with "I loved it before you were even born" She said "I was there when you were watching waiting to be born and watching with you. We both laughed so loud and hard. It was wonderful.

So happy with my Matthew

Things I want to say

To my husband Matthew...
I love that you work so hard on being a good father and provider to our family.
I love that you take the time to be with the our kids and really know them and what is going on in their lives.
I love that you have developed yourself as a counsellor and that you are fulfilling that dream.
I love that you went back to school and worked hard at developing your talents.
I love your ambition.
I love that for the you believe in my best self.
I love that you love me. 
I am blessed that you have a sense of humour. It has helped me not take life to seriously. 
I love that you have made your health a priority in our lives that you eat healthy foods and exercise. I value the times that we exercise together.
I love that you are present and active in our families life.
I love that you write about your love for me in your blog & facebook and tell your co-workers about me.
I love that you are such a great supporter of me.
I want to say Thank You for that for supporting me and loving me
I love that you are such a smart attractive dresser You have an eye for style and colour.
I love that you are a great writer.
I love your optimism in life and I am grateful for it so grateful.
I want to shout from the roof tops (but my blog will have to do) that I deeply love you.
I am so grateful to have you as a partner and husband and friend.

Guess what I am back!!

Hello...

Wow it has been forever since I wrote in my lovely blog.
I actually truthfully don't feel my blog is lovely.
I have a love hate relationship with it.
I struggle to write.
 It is a area in my life that I feel is this huge mountain to climb.
So I am taking away the negative thoughts of the mountain.
Not enough time, I am not a good writer, I always feel criticized, who will want to read it anyway?
I am just going to write a little whenever I can and ignore these negative thoughts.
Just a little at a time so I don't get overwhelmed.
It is all about Balance and Practice.
I can't get better if I don't try,
It is likely you will at times see grammar errors and maybe things don't flow perfectly.
Since I am trying to let go of the ideal and just be real.
Thanks for your patience with me.